Dear Isaac: A letter to Heaven, and the World - PART III - The Letter

Part III of IV

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

PART III of IV- The Letter
Click Here for Part II of IV

In the last few months of his life, every member of Isaac's extended family wrote individual letters directly to him. There are 47 letters in total. Some were handwritten, some typed up, and many were accompanied by photos and drawings. These treasured, heartfelt letters were bound together in a book entitled "Letters for Isaac." Scott and I had no idea until this priceless book arrived in the mail the day of Isaac's memorial service. It now stands in the corner of our living room next to the three red chests holding items Isaac claimed in his short sojourn in "time." As his mother, I too have a letter for Isaac--a letter that stands for the truth I carry in my heart--truth that will lead me back to him. Not only have I held this letter in my heart for the several months before his birth, but for every month ahead I will continue to add upon it by the way I live my life and share my life with others.

Dear Isaac,
I write this letter as a reflection of the truth burning within my heart. I hope that reflection is as bright as the faith I have come to possess in it and emits even just a fraction of the warmth of our Savior's love. His love is the source from such burning truths.
When you were here with us, you were "Baby Isaac," but from the moment I knew you were gone, you were "Isaac." I could sense the largeness of your fully grown and mature spirit during those moments of comfort at the hospital, and I hope that one day my spirit grows to be as mature as yours is.

Thank you, Isaac. Thank you for your strong example. Thank you for all that you were before you came to our family, all that you are now and all that you are becoming. Thank you for doing your part in His great work. We love you for everything you contribute. I have gained a much closer relationship with my Father in Heaven, found a greater love and appreciation for others, and have now found an even greater purpose and deeper desire to become a better person because of you and because of Heavenly Father's blessing us with you.

I hope to share with others, through you, truth that I have come to know through my life, but especially through this lifelong experience with you. You have enabled me for the rest of my life to testify without shame or fear of man the glorious, beautiful, hopeful and joyful truths that I know are true.  I want others to have what we have. We have been blessed with something invaluable and we must share it!

God sure knew what he was doing when he sent you to us, and especially when he took you back. He knew all the many perfect impacts your life and departure would have on our family and even others. We sure miss you and often wish you could be here with us, but we know that through our Savior, that time is only "time" away. I am so grateful to know God was and is always in complete control. His allowing your departure to happen so soon is a perfect plan for us. It is a refiner's fire worth submitting to. The greatest blessings often come with the most difficult sacrifices, but it is worth it! Through all the ups and downs, I know that the greatest blessings are yet to come, surpassing all magnitudes of our pain and sacrifice.

Thank you Isaac, for your sacrifice- for yours may be far greater than ours. Your willingness to subject your perfect spirit to an imperfect body and forego the joys of this mortal life is teaching others the greater joy of eternal life. 

We are all blessed because of you.

As I think of the most significant way to bless your sweet spirit, Isaac, I imagine it would be to help you from this side of the veil to accomplish the work Heavenly Father has for us. We will be your best teammates from "this side" in helping to hasten the work.  we are determined to do what it takes to return and be with Him again, and therefore with you and every one of God's children that chooses to return to Him. The drive for our doing just that is our testimony. I bare that testimony, to you and to all who will hear it, that the only way for true happiness in this life and a fullness of joy in the next, is through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. His truth has been restored in its fullness in these latter days through the Prophet Joseph Smith.

Our Father would not leave us here without a way back to Him, and that path is by living His gospel. He is keenly aware of each and every one of us and he waits with outstretched hands to help us back to Him. I know because I reached back and have been so touched by them. He is there and he answers prayers. His love is as real as our experience with you. It is unconditional, incomprehensible and I have gained a much stronger and personal conviction of that as I've drawn nearer to Him through you. His plan is perfect, and we can become like Him if we do what it takes to get to know Him and return to Him. With this as my focus, I likewise will get to return and be with you again, Isaac.

We miss out only in our temporary separation but we are gaining so much more and will receive all and more that we miss here and now. We just have to be patient and wait upon the Lord.

Your precious body still needs to be raised to the full stature of your spirit, and your father and I will have that privilege. Even what we are now doing for Syd we will do for you after the resurrection, except our joy, pleasure, and satisfaction will be a far greater joy than we can possibly have in mortality because we will be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and we will know more than we can know in this life. This is a reality because of the eternal family we are through a temple marriage that seals us together forever.

This is the true Gospel of Jesus Christ and by it and through it we have every hope! My testimony of this gospel is the most precious possession I hold, and the most precious thing I can share. Why else would I write my departed son a letter based solely on this? IT IS TRUE. It is precious, and it is necessary for the true happiness of each of us.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way back to Him and to each each other for eternity. There is no greater joy than eternal life.

I know that you are anxiously engaged in a good cause, Isaac, and all the while, you are constantly looking down at us. I know these things because it has been given me to know these things in more ways than one. I am excited to likewise be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and together in our world of mortality and your world of the eternities, we will help hasten the Work.

I love you, Isaac. I am grateful for the sacrifices we are able to make for each other that we may each progress in our own sphere until the day we can be together again. I look forward to the day you will return to our arms and we will get to raise you up unto the Lord, as promised. Until then, thank you Isaac, for raising me up unto the Lord. I am forever grateful for you and to you.

Love you always and forever,
Mom

Part IV- The last of this four part post will be published on November 4, 2013

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World - PART II - Hastening the Work

Part II of IV

*About this post: 

The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

Part II of IV- Hastening the Work
Click Here for Part I of IV

Just two days after we buried our baby boy, in a most crucial time of need and direction, the most powerful and impactful words of my life came to my rescue. Drifting from the lips of the one I hold most dear, the eight simple words my husband spoke penetrated my heart and excited my soul. More than being of great comfort, these words were powerfully motivating. Coupled with so sacred an experience, I was and am forever moved into action because of them. 

I had been in the back room, the location of much searching, pondering and praying. I found myself doing those very things when an extremely intense desire and longing for home overcame me. I so desperately wanted to be there. I've always been comfortable here, always felt very "at home" on this earth with those I love, but for the first time, I literally felt the reality of my pre-mortal and post-mortal home. I don't know where those feelings came from since I am unable to recall by sight this place which I so longed to be, but I could certainly recall the feeling of it.  As I longed to dwell forever in that feeling, it was as if I was remembering it--miraculously recalling things I once knew that had long left my memory.

I sobbed as I tried to make sense of these feelings, explaining to Heavenly Father that "I want so badly to be where He is. I want to be home again." My feelings were so intense that I would have been ok with being taken up then and there. Then, in that instant, I thought of Scott; and Sydney.


 I thought of my family here, including, friends, acquaintances and others. I realized how each and every one that remains here on this earth is so incredibly special, just as Isaac is. I am so lucky to be here with so many wonderful others.
During my heartfelt prayer, I was calmed and comforted with the reassurance of my purpose here, right now, and the joy I may still experience here, even though the greatest of which incomprehensible joy I will look forward to experiencing there, according to how I live my life here.

Realizing the incredible worth of Isaac's soul, and understanding Heavenly Father's love for each individual soul, I began to grasp again and hold tight to the honor and privilege it is for me to be here on this earth at this time with these other children of his, my spirit brothers and sisters. I found a refreshed love for complete strangers--knowing where they too came from and where their spirits too ultimately long to return. I enjoy people more who I have been blessed to be here with at this time, and care less about temporal things. I am happier.  

Knowing the worth that it is for my spirit to continue occupying a body at this time, experiencing, learning and progressing, and that disembodied spirits do not live in the presence of God but await that time in the spirit world for the resurrection when their spirits will permanently reunite with their perfected and glorified bodies-- without the presence of both God and Isaac, and everyone else, it would not be home. 

As I told Scott of this experience, I mentioned that the only way for us all to be together, again in the presence Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, is for something already in the works. Our Father in Heaven, the literal Father of all our spirits, also wants us to return home to Him, so he created a way for us through His son, our Savior and brother, Jesus Christ. He broke the bands of death that we all may live again as He does, resurrected, glorified, and perfected. At his Second Coming, those who have passed through the gate of death into the spirit world, will rise up again from their graves, spirit and perfected body, never to be separated again.  Through His gospel, families, who have made and kept sacred covenants will also be reunited in the flesh, NEVER TO BE SEPARATED again!

"So I guess what I'm trying to say," I related to Scott, "is that I really want the Second Coming to come!" His reply were those eight simple words: 


"Well," he acknowledged, "we need to help hasten the work." 


To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man, is His work and His glory. We will help hasten it by spreading the restored gospel to every kindred, tongue and people, that each may learn and choose to make and keep sacred covenants that will merit them eternal life--or a life forever as eternal families in the presence of God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, in never-ending happiness.

"Isaac can be our motivation to be better missionaries, to live good lives, [in order] to help hasten the work," Scott went on to say.

To do our part in this great work, God planted within our hearts, through Isaac, a deep desire for this Second Coming to come to pass. We want to be with Iasaac again, in the flesh, 

and have the honor of raising his body to the full stature of his beautiful spirit after the resurrection. We want to live together as a family forever and to be in the presence of our Savior and Father for eternity in peace and happiness. This is why through my pregnancy with Isaac, Heavenly Father allowed my faith to grow incredibly and to keep believing in miracles, because although we did see many along the way and still do, the greatest is yet to come, when Isaac will not only be healed, but resurrected and perfected, as well as everyone who ever walked the face of this earth. This is why I need more faith than I had attained before he died, and I will work for the rest of my life to obtain that faith because through it and by it I will too not only witness it, but partake of it myself- the greatest miracle, the greatest gift God has to give, immortality and eternal life. 

We each play a part in Heavenly Father's plan. Isaac didn't need to stay in this mortal sphere of existence to fulfill his purpose, and he works now in another sphere in greater ways, given the capacities of a spirit.

Isaac gave up his time in mortality so that he may do a greater, more glorious work. I, on the other hand, am still in time, and I will honor Isaac with my time, as I do for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As if our lives were not already committed to a life of living the gospel by word and deed, our commitment is now ushered by determination, desire, and destiny--It is our part of "the work." 

Together, with Isaac in the spiritual sphere and us in the mortal sphere, and by the power of the spirit, we will help hasten the work, together. Isaac is more than our guardian angel, he is our teammate. And so I speak to him by heart in my letter to Isaac.

Part III- The Letter, will be posted on November 3, 2013

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World - PART I - Eternal Answers

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- posted over the course of 4 days.  Each describes tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle, dedication and tears over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.
______________________________________________________
Please Note: I will continue (where applicable) typing a small paragraph at the top about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories regarding Isaac. The "real" posts will begin immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

How we are really doing:

-Sydney- is great. Her faith is pure like a child's faith should be. She has never shed a tear about Isaac, though she has watched me shed many and has comforted me more times than I have needed to comfort her. She knows that "Baby Isaac is not a baby anymore- he's a big boy now in Heaven." "His body is hiding in the box but he is with Heavenly Father," and "When Jesus comes again, he's going to take Isaac's body out of the box and hand him to me and I can hold him and he will smile at me!" To her, it's completely normal, and she is completely happy with it. That is how it should be for us all- because like God's plan for us, it is perfect!

-Scott- is busy. He is also a very soft spoken soul, so I do check in with him about "how he's doing." I can detect his "moments" every now and again. I know he lets himself stay focused elsewhere because when he thinks about Isaac he thinks of "what could have been." He really wanted to get to spend some time with Isaac, but we both know it's not really "what could have been," but "what WILL BE." We just have to be patient. For the most part, he is fantastic at making the best of "what we've been dealt" and moving forward all the while. Serving others has always been a good way for him to know he's "in a good place," in life, and I would say that he is in a very good place.

-I- am grateful. I know it is all worth it. However, I would be lying if I said Isaac's separation hasn't been the most difficult on me, and the most life-changing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was several weeks before a single day passed that I didn't shed a tear. Most days are happy, but there are definitely moments that no matter how hard I try to make the choice not to, the tears just come anyway. Other times, I welcome the tears--occasionally it feels good to cry it out.

Overall, I can finally feel the jagged edges of the lifelong scar left on my heart smoothing out with the passage of time-but I don't believe it is the passage of time since his death that makes the difference, but rather the dwindling of time remaining with each passing day until I am with him again. For that reason alone, every day is more promising than the last, even if it's a tearful one. 

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

Part I of IV- Eternal Answers

When I was in grade school, I wrote a poem for which I received an award. The topic was centered around these three all-encompassing questions: 

"Where did I come from? 

Why am I here? 

Where am I going after I die?" 

Through the fullness of the Gospel, I was taught the answers to these at a young age, but in reality, experience has proved more valuable in determining the level at which I believe them.

Our incredible journey with Isaac has forever engrained into my soul the truthfulness of the answers to these three questions. Not only do I believe, but through Isaac, I have experienced bits and pieces of their absolute truth.

I cannot describe the feelings that overpowered my being, as I held Isaac's lifeless body in my arms for the first time. The peculiar, yet peaceful silence we encountered just after delivery was broken by the only words that so powerfully overwhelmed my emotions. Staring down at those closed eyes and drooping jaw, which Isaac had so recently occupied, I proclaimed through streaming tears, "I am so happy for him!"  

All avenues of communication prove unworthy to describe that sacred moment, but when that light entered my own soul and overwhelming comfort was bursting within and around me as I peered down at my precious baby's body, I knew Isaac himself was right beside me.  I cannot adequately explain, but I had never experienced anything more sure in my life. It was real. Though I could not see him, his spirit was so tangible that I felt for a time like I myself was out of this world, like I had entered his new one. It seemed to me distantly familiar and was the most beautiful experience of my life. I do not dare try and describe it further, for all forms of human communication are completely and utterly insufficient to do so. 

The immense happiness, peace, and comfort I experienced was overwhelming--too much so for my mortal shell to contain for long. So, both fortunately and unfortunately, those sacred and powerful moments eased up over the next several hours as we kept Isaac and his body with us in that sacred room at the end of the hall. 

When we finally gave them permission to take his body, I believe Isaac himself stuck around for a bit. His presence kept me from crying as I stepped in to help the nurse who was struggling to wrap up his body before they wheeled it away. From his spirit to mine, I felt proof and have felt it since, that he did not go off down the hall with that cart, nor did he go four feet under with that tiny, white casket three days later.

Instead, he now occupies a greater, more glorious sphere, anxiously engaged in a good cause, unseen and unheard.

I have struggled incredibly over the past few months to write the contents of my soul,  which have matured to ever-greater heights since Isaac's existence here on earth "reached its climax." But it has not. That moment has not yet come. This experience has been merely a jumpstart for the incomprehensible faith I will need later in my own existence; Faith necessary to one day witness for myself not only the eventual climax of Isaac's continuing existence, but something much bigger than Isaac and our little family, and something much, much greater.

Part II will be posted on November 2, 2013

Heaven Sent, Heaven Bound!

Please Note: I will continue (where applicable) typing a small paragraph at the top about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories reguarding Isaac. The "real" posts will begin immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

(From my journal)

Monday, August 12, 2013

Today is the first real day back to “normal life” since we buried our baby Isaac’s body last Thursday morning. Family is all gone, and Scott is back to school. I was nervous for today knowing Scott was going back. Sydney had a dentist appointment this morning and right afterward we went to the library to return and check out some new books for Syd.

I thought going out and doing our normal errands would help make me feel better but in reality it made things so much more difficult, quite unexpectedly. Everywhere we went reminded me of Isaac. He’s been with us basically the entire year that we’ve lived here in Galveston, and he's done everything with us....

....We made one last stop and before heading home, I went to the back door to buckle Syd in her carseat. The tears overcame me. Sydney just said: “Mommy, why are you sad? Do you want Heavenly Father and baby Isaac?” I just shook my head up and down, comforted that she knew exactly what I wanted. Then she added, as she proceeded to rub my arm: “Don’t be sad mom. Heavenly Father and baby Isaac will save you. Father and Isaac save me! Father and Isaac will save you and keep you- they save and keep me. Don’t be sad. I’m here!” We drove home and she kept saying this until she made sure I was happy again. She made me show her my smile to prove it. The last thing she said to me was “You have to pray to Father and ask him to save you and to sleep with you and He and baby Isaac will save you and sleep with you.” I asked her if that’s what she does and she said “I do! and they save me!”  

Isaac's story: Post 6

Click here for Post 5

HEAVEN SENT, HEAVEN BOUND!

Written Aug. 29th, 3 1/2 weeks after delivery

The morning after I delivered Isaac, Scott and I left the hospital with empty arms and an empty place in our hearts and headed home. 

It was the first time in 9 months that I went anywhere without our Isaac. In the next two days we faced our son's memorial service and burial, in addition to facing the rest of our lives without the tangible presence of our beautiful angel, our first-born son, Isaac.

Two weeks prior, I had a sense of extreme urgency, to the point that I was becoming stressed and overwhelmed. I was full of all sorts of emotions about his inevitable birth and what could take place after. I was excited, nervous, anxious, scared, comforted, at peace, not ready and ready all at the same time. Facing birth and possible death in the same climactic experience filled my heart and soul with many different contradicting emotions, which seemed to intensify as the time drew nearer. We didn't know how the events would play out, but I did know Isaac was coming sooner than expected. I could feel it.

This feeling of urgency increased with each passing day until the middle of that one restless night around 4am when we believe Isaac's physical life turned over to a Heavenly one. In the moment, I wasn't fully aware. I thought I had food poisoning from the restaurant we'd gone to late that Friday night before bed. But there were other unusual things happening to my body and in my body. I felt so unwell, and what worried me the most was my racing heart. I knew it was abnormal to be fast asleep, and then be woken up by a heart rate so fast I might as well have just finished a race. I was worried because what can you do to calm a racing heart when you are just out of the most restful state of being- sleep? My heart was nowhere near at rest and with the addition of the other symptoms, Scott and I nearly headed to the hospital. After a blessing Scott gave me, my heart rate calmed and I was soon again fast asleep.

Somehow, I was blessed to make it through the main events of the following day with not much other than a loss of appetite. I was helping host a baby shower for one of our good friends, due one month after Isaac's due date. When I came home, I crashed. A few hours later I awoke feeling unwell again, though my heart rate never again accelerated like it had so early that morning.

Saturday evening, we decided to check on Isaac using the ultrasound machine we'd had in our home the last 6 months. It was not unusual that I hadn't felt him kicking. His kicks and punches had really diminished over the last month. I'd recently only felt him bulge out once or twice a day. But what was unusual, was the difficulty we had in finding his heart on the unclear, small-screened, ancient ultrasound machine that we'd used the last several months "Skyping" him with. Usually, his heart was the first thing we'd recognize as it silently moved in rhythm on the screen.

I was surprised in that moment how ok I was when we couldn't find his heart. I didn't cry, though the possibility that he could be gone was real. I absolutely knew that God was still in complete controll and that no matter what were to happen, "it will all work out for the best." On top of that, I still believed with all my heart that there was a 50/50 chance in either outcome. Miracles are real, and they do still happen today.  I held onto this truth even after the doctor confirmed it the next day at the hospital; She too, could find no heartbeat. 

It wasn't until Isaac's body landed in my arms, for the first and last time in this mortal existence, that that hope and faith that has escaladed within all my heart, might and mind, expanding in strength and power greater and greater for months and months up until that point, that what I've felt ever since has became physically and completely incommunicable of  accurate description. It is beautiful. It is incredible. It is inexplainable. 

It's been nearly a month since Isaac changed states of existence through physical death, and it is no easier today to describe the sacred truths manifest to me while experiencing those moments of truth, spent holding his body in that hospital room at the end of the hall. It was a feeling almost tangible, a familiar remembrance and closeness to a place I once knew before my time. And death, when you'd think it would seem as final as ever with the loss of so close a loved one, actually seems much less permanent than ever before. 

For the last 9 months, Isaac was our administering angel from the other side of the whom, and today he continues as such, only from the other side of the veil.

And so it was, when Scott coined the phrase "Heaven sent, heaven bound!" to put on the inside of Isaac's birth announcements the day we came home from the hospital without him, I couldn't contain the tears as I knew the truth of those inspired words. They hold true not just for Isaac, but for each one of us. We all came from the presence of our literal Father in Heaven, and to Him we are bound to return. That is where our real home is. 

The day of the delivery, the memorial and the burial are each their own sacred experience, and they are captured with beautiful photos and video, some shown in Isaac's slideshow (entitled "Isaac Asher Walton - Heaven sent, heaven bound!"CLICK HERE to watch) as well as in our memories and hearts forever. I don't intend to share each and every detail about those sacred events and experiences, but hope to capture the beauty and truth of it all, including God's greater plan, in my letter to Isaac, which has been a work in progress, beginning in my heart, since the day he was no longer bound for heaven, but was already there. 

We love you Isaac :)

*My Letter to Isaac -- which will be my very best attempt to describe the beautiful and sacred experience we had with Isaac and know we will continue to have -- will follow this post when the letter is complete. 

Naming Isaac: Finding Hope Beyond the Bitter-Sweet Future

Please Note: I will continue typing a small paragraph at the top about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories reguarding Isaac. The "real" posts will begin immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Tomorrow Scott and I will meet one of the last times in the office of our dearest doctor/neonatologist, moral supporter and friend, to discuss as best we can how we are going to handle the birth of Isaac, and the intense medical decisions we have awaiting us come delivery. 
At one point, it seemed that any decision we could make would put Isaac through cascading events of "torture." As we listened to the options, whether we chose a medical route or a non-invasive route post-delivery, each set of opposing options were undesirable and it is very difficult to face all of them. The doctor apologized to us, about having to make such decisions. This was her first time counseling a couple with such challenging options- usually there are few to none in our kind of circumstance. 

Either way, in the medical world, the ultimate outcome is supposed to be the same. To us, however, the outcome is a matter of God's plan for Isaac's life, and nothing less.  

Isaac's story: Post 5

Click here for Post 4

NAMING ISAAC:

Finding Hope Beyond the Bitter-Sweet Future

Written at current 33 weeks gestation

You would think that faith reaches its highest possible point here: a complete acceptance and trust in God's will, whatever it may be, even faith in not being healed, and moving forward with the necessary actions required to show such trust and complete alignment of our will with his.

It is not always so.

In some cases, faith beyond this kind of faith is asked of us. For me, it has been the most difficult and slow coming to reach, to ignite within my heart and mind, and keep aglow, yet, it has also been the most comforting as the warmth of so much hope and growth of spirit and character surrounds my soul even amidst the unknown events that are soon to unfold before us.

In the beginning, I wanted so badly for a miracle because I wanted it for Isaac, for my family, for me. Then I saw the broader picture, and humbled myself to the point of having faith in him not being healed if that were God's will. Only once I reached that point in my faith could God teach me the next step in faith. He doesn't want us to become complacent with the "It is what it is and so it must be God's will" mindset. Rather, never giving up on Him and his ability to work miracles in all things is what became clear to me that I was to do. It seemed easier having already accepted a "fate" for Isaac at one point, to just keep it that way so I could move through it, but now God was the one wanting me to have faith in a miracle, to continue to have hope, as impressed upon me on several different personal experiences and occasions.

Little did I know, that the day we named our baby boy, would spark the beginning of the most intense kind of faith I've ever had to practice, and more than that, it would spark within me a deeper knowledge of Heavenly Father's incredible love from a perspective I could not have witnessed before.

If you asked me today, I could not tell you the meaning of our daughter Sydney's name. I simply have not looked it up. We didn't officially name her until the name was written on the birth certificate in the hospital.

Isaac has had an official name since he was the size of a bell pepper. Because we were told his life would be short, we wanted to get to know him as well as possible while he was in the womb, comparitively "safe and sound."We wanted his name to have a special meaning and so every name we looked up we also made sure of what it meant.

The name Isaac, in biblical terms means "child of the covenant/child of the promise," to us, being married in the covenant, he is ours now and forever. The name Asher means "fortunate, blessed, happy," as we know will be and is his outcome, no matter what.

Isaac Asher Walton:

"Fortunate/blessed child of the covenant."

But the reason we chose "Isaac" has less to do with the meaning of the name and more to do with the story behind it.

Already on our short running list of boy names, the name Isaac didn't stand out so dramatically and emotionally as it did the day someone recounted this story, an old story, a true one, that very much hit home to me.

We've gotten very close to Isaac since the day we named him. We have come to know him so well, even our extended family members feel so similarly. It kind of feels to Scott and I like I will always be pregnant with Isaac and he will keep being our brother and son from within. We are very comfortable with how we are now- and yet, we only have a few more weeks of this hopeful kind of time with Isaac.

However, our hope extends beyond his birth, beyond the unknown, and even beyond what is medically "expected." The story behind his name has much to do with why we still have hope, hope in a miracle, even amidst having faith in him not being healed.

And so the story goes~
(If you know the story of Abraham and Isaac, you may prefer to skip down to the black print, where the blog picks back up~however, it is a wonderful story to review and is the basis for much of our faith and hope.)

     "Abraham and Sarah had been married about thirty years but had been unable to have children. Sarah was becoming old and Abraham was worried. The Lord had told him that through his descendants the nations of the earth would be blessed, but without children he would have no descendants. Abraham prayed about these concerns, and the Lord promised him that he would someday have a son. Abraham did not know how this promise could be fulfilled. He knew it would take a miracle for Sarah to have a baby in her old age, but Abraham had faith.

Many more years passed. Abraham was about one hundred years old and Sarah ninety when the Lord told Abraham the exciting news: Sarah would soon give birth to a son, who should be named Isaac. Abraham was so happy that he bowed his face to the earth and humbly thanked the Lord.

When the baby was born, Sarah rejoiced. After forty years of waiting she finally had a baby; she knew that his birth was truly a great blessing of the Lord.

Abraham and Sarah loved and cared for Isaac. As he grew, they taught him about Heavenly Father and taught him how to pray. He was a fine boy, and Abraham and Sarah were very proud of him.

One day, when Isaac was a grown boy, Abraham received a revelation. The Lord said, “Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah, and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will show thee.”

Abraham was heartsick, and many questions ran through his mind. How could he offer his precious son as a burnt offering? Abraham hated the idea of human sacrifice. And how could he have descendants to bless the nations of the earth if Isaac were killed? Why would the Lord command him to do such a terrible thing, especially after he had waited so long to have a son? But because Abraham was a man of great faith, he prepared to obey the Lord’s command.

Abraham and Isaac arose early in the morning, saddled the donkey, and took two young servants with them. Carrying wood for the burnt offering, they set out for the land of Moriah. For three days they traveled. Abraham’s heart was heavy with sorrow; he loved Isaac so much. Why had he received this commandment?

Finally he could see Moriah in the distance. Abraham instructed the two servants, “Abide with the donkey, and Isaac and I will go yonder and worship.”

Abraham placed the bundle of wood to be used for the burnt offering on Isaac’s back, while he carried a knife and a flame to light the fire.

While they walked together toward Moriah to make their offering, Isaac realized that they had forgotten something and asked, “Behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

With sadness Abraham answered, “My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering.”

When they came to the place, Abraham built an altar and put the wood upon it. Then with feelings of despair he bound Isaac with strong bands and laid him across the altar. Isaac realized what this meant, but he trusted his father. He knew his father would only do what was right. Isaac was willing to have his life sacrificed if his father commanded.

Abraham’s heart ached, but with knife in hand he lifted his arm to kill his beloved son.

Just then the voice of an angel called unto him, saying, “Abraham, Abraham, lay not thine hand upon the lad; neither do thou anything unto him; for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son from me.”

Relief and gratitude filled Abraham. Abraham then knew that the Lord was testing his faith; because Abraham had been obedient, he had passed the test. He thanked the Lord. Then lifting up his eyes, he beheld a ram caught by his horns in a thicket. Abraham took the ram and offered it for a burnt offering instead of his son.

Again the angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven, saying, “Thus saith the Lord, because thou didst not withhold thy son, thou shalt be blessed. Thy descendants will be as numerous as the stars of heaven and as the sand on the seashore. And through all thy descendants shall the earth be blessed because thou hast obeyed my voice.”

*Story quoted from lds.org at THIS link. 

*A scriptural account of this is found in the Holy Bible, Genesis chapter 22. 

Initially, I associated the story of Abraham and Isaac with sacrifice, knowing that we too, were being asked to sacrifice our only son. It is not the same kind of sacrifice as unexpectedly loosing a child in a sudden car wreck, or going in to an ultrasound appointment to find out your baby has already passed on. I don't know which would be worse. 

However, we were warned.

We found out very early in this pregnancy what was wrong and were even warned prior to that through a priesthood blessing only 2 days after it was even possible to find out we were pregnant. 

God has led us into this refiners fire, and I'm sure we have yet to bare the most intense of its heat. Yet, through this fire of what many would call a "trial," we are discovering it to be a real blessing, definitely refining, and the blessings are still unfolding; I'm sure the greatest of them are yet to come.

Just like us, Abraham too, knew he was asked to sacrifice his son. Abraham was obedient to the will of 

God and moved forward with faith, yet in the last second before this difficult sacrifice, his hand was stopped and his son was saved and replaced by another sacrificial offering, a ram found in the "thicket" (bushes). 

Likewise, Christ is the ram provided for us that we too may be saved. 

Even Christ himself, the most perfect person to walk the face of the earth, had hope until his bitter end:

"..Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me:

nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."

Luke 22:42

There was no "ram in the thicket" to take the place of Christ, for he was the ram, the ultimate sacrifice. He knew what was asked of him by the Father, and He was willing- yet he had hope, even in the last hour, that it be removed from him.

There may not be a "ram in the thicket," for our little Isaac, that he may live a life on this earth bearing a most miraculous of miracles, or maybe the sacrifice has been what we've experienced all along the way, or what is to come and that is all that is required, but either way, we have hope, until the bitter-sweet future, that God may heal Isaac. 

We know that He can. We don't know that He won't. We accept and have faith if he doesn't, and yet we know, even against all odds, that with God, all things are possible, and through faith, miracles are brought forth.

I have searched and prayed for an answer to know God's will concerning Isaac's life. I would have loved for God to impress upon my soul one way or another what His will is for him, so I could more easily align my will with His and have faith in that one outcome, and yet the only answer I have gotten is to "not give up hope; continue to have faith so that He can bless me with miracles." 

Of course those miracles can come in life or death, however through personal experiences I know that the kind of faith and hope God is asking of me is faith and hope in an earthly miracle; a miracle we will witness with our own eyes, not just in our hearts. 

We continue to pray for him to be healed of Trisomy 18, so that we may raise him up in our home unto the Lord, and we will do so until the bitter-sweet beginning of Isaac's future, 

whether his future is 

heavenly or earthly. 

If Isaac is not healed here on earth, if that is not the miracle we witness with our eyes, our faith and hope in such is most definitely not in vain, but rather a blessing of strength in obedience, in spirit, in character. 

What God is testing us over may have nothing to do with Isaac himself, but everything to do with our obedience to the impressions we have received and to the faith and hope we have already obtained. Our personal salvation rests on this~ our faith. The salvation of all mankind rests on faith. We are being blessed for some reason to obtain faith in a way we never could without this experience.

It was this past Easter that both Scott and I came home from church with two very tender experiences that complimented each other beautifully~ Separately, we had each watched the same short video clip on the crucifixion of the Savior prior to his resurrection. 

Scott experienced an immediate likening of Christ to our baby Isaac- completely innocent, sent here to suffer physical, emotional pain and die, ultimately for the benefit of all mankind- Isaac, for the benefit of all who have been touched by his story and life.
 
My experience was that on the other end of the sacrifice- Heavenly Father's sacrifice. He sacrificed his most innocent, perfect, only begotten son. I always have known this, but never before had I felt even a fraction of the amount of difficulty it takes to actually sacrifice your child. I knew the intense pain I have felt reguarding Isaac's supposed short life and for a moment, on a very small scale, I could empathize with my Heavenly Father and the sacrifice it was for him to let His son go through that. In the moment I related with this sacrifice He had made for me, and all mankind, I instantly felt a most overwhelming love. He loves me that much that He was willing to go through what I'm going through with Isaac, but on a much larger, more difficult scale. That is a very intense love that I never had been able to feel in such a way before experiencing a similar kind of sacrifice.

Our Heavenly Father loves us- a lot.

Sometimes God will let us know His will, and in other times, He won't. He does in his all-knowing wisdom what is best for each of us pertaining to our growth and faith.

I don't know God's will concerning Isaac, but I do know that it is God's will for us to continue to have hope and build our faith, and so we are doing just that- as hard as it is, facing the facts of science and having accepted and found faith already that "Isaac is expected to die young." 

We are sure of nothing except 

that God's plan for us and for Isaac, 

whatever the outcome may be, 

healing or no healing, 

will bring us the most joy,

as we remain faithful, and full of hope.

We know that,

and that is all we need to

find hope beyond the bitter-sweet future

which we face very, very soon.