Happy Birthday Isaac! -Love Dad

Disclaimer: I must warn the reader from the beginning that this will not be another amazing blog written by my sweet wife, Stephanie. She is celebrating and remembering Isaac on this special day in so many ways, but it is my honor to get to write this time. I am in no way as gifted as she is, especially when it comes to writing, but I look forward to writing this tribute to my son as his Dad. With that said, here's to you Isaac, my firstborn son, my example, my friend, the one I long to be with, the one who never needed to make this journey on earth his place, but the one who will never be replaced. I love you, son!

As I reflect on the previous year, I am overwhelmed with so many feelings, emotions, and lessons learned that it will be a struggle to express them in a coherent and meaningful way, but my best effort is always all that I have to give. My life has been filled with endless opportunities to seek success. Why I am so blessed, I don't know, but experience has allowed me to see that so much good has come to me despite my inadequacies and shortcomings. It all began with loving parents who pushed me to be the best and never settle for second place. It was a humbling day when I began to realize that the Walton boys weren't actually the fastest, smartest, and most handsome boys in town, despite the constant assurance from my mom of that simple truth :). Despite not being perfect, the drive that my parents instilled in me has pushed me to be the best I can and I long to do the same for my children. My parents taught me so much, but one of the greatest lessons I learned was the power of love ~ especially a Mother's love! This power has only been solidified as I have observed another amazing mother love and care for our two children. Stephanie is an amazing woman and I am so lucky to be working hand in hand with her. 

First, a brief mention of the two girls that mean the most to Isaac on this Earth - his mother and his big sister

I will never forget the day I met Isaac's mom! I was at a young singles activity at church thinking I was all cool in the corner with the polynesian crowd. In walks a beautiful young lady and I did what any smart young man would do - I acted like I didn't see her :). As she approached the corner, I tried to remember and recite in my mind over and over what my mom always told me. "I'm the coolest, smartest, most handsome guy in town!" Of course she would notice me, right? We exchanged hellos and that was about it. A little later in the evening, we chatted for a brief second and there was something in her that caught my eye. I returned home that evening with a little bounce in my step, a little giddy - the kind I enjoy making fun of in the movies. My mom asked me how the night was and I replied semi-serious, semi-jokingly, "I met the girl I'm going to marry!" I'm not sure my charm won Stephanie over that quickly but I was determined. 

Fast forward a while and here we are, sitting on a couch at Stephanie's sister's house after just discussing for the first time the idea of marriage and how it was what we both wanted. Without a second's delay, I turned to her and with both nervousness and excitement in my voice said, "WHOA, you are going to be the mother of my children!!" Maybe not the most romantic thing to say in the moment, but WOW what a mother to our children she has been. Stephanie, you are incredible!

Second, a word about Isaac's big sister, Sydney. I am sure he would want her mentioned in his birthday post. Our plan for Sydney was so different. We planned on bringing home a little sibling so much sooner for her to grow up with. She still longs to have that companion to play with during the day and comfort her as she lays down for bed at night. While Isaac never got to come home and do those two things, he has and is fulfilling his role as her little brother and she is likewise doing amazingly in her role as big sister. Sunday, at church, Sydney wanted to draw a picture of our family. Only halfway invested in what she was wanting as I listened to the speakers at church, I quickly helped her draw three circles for our heads - Mommy, Daddy, and Sydney. She quickly looked up at me with a scowl in her eyes and corrected me. She added one more circle and informed me that Isaac needed to be in the picture as well. The brief sadness I felt for forgetting to include the circle for Isaac's little head was quickly overcome by my admiration for Sydney. She never forgets her brother and is the best big sister Isaac could have. I love you Sydney!

The news that we were pregnant with Isaac was so exciting. We were happy to be growing our family and life was perfect. I had yet to experience deep heart ache, the kind that makes your soul ache. The pain that so many already know or will certainly come know at some point. I was naive to the possibility and felt invincible. The day that we learned of Isaac's diagnosis and prognosis, I would like to say that our lives were turned upside down. However, in that moment, they weren't. The news, while surprising and sad, was just that -- news. The kind of news you see online that you browse through quickly, think "how interesting", and then forget about. It wasn't our reality. The words were delivered by several doctors and we understood them fully, but I was still invincible, we were still invincible. This was my son we were talking about. He was the one that was going to follow in my footsteps. He was going to grow to be just like his Dad! Trisomy 18, Edward's Syndrome, blah blah. Those were just things that would come and go. The idea of things not working out wasn't a possibility. Things were so perfect, the diagnosis could not be true. I had more important things to do as I prepared for my son to arrive. Denial? Probably! Fear? Yet to be accepted! Sadness? Briefly! Faith? Growing! 

My finite mind, emphasis on the finite, was pretty caught up in the here and now. I was excited for Sydney to have a sibling. I was hopeful to have a boy. I wanted Sydney to have a strong brother that would protect her. I wanted a future soccer star that I could cheer on as a proud dad. I wanted my son! I had so many wishes, so many expectations, so much anticipation. And on Issac's one year birthday, all I know for sure is that HE has exceeded all my expectations:

As a BROTHER:

Sydney knows better than us all what it means to call Isaac her brother. Their bond is unbreakable and I can't wait for the day to see them reunited. He watches over her and will be her protector, no doubt! I remember the day Stephanie and I looked at each other one night during the pregnancy and almost at the same time said to each other, "How is Sydney going to take all of this?" This was the turning point for me. It finally became bigger than me. It wasn't just my problem, my emotions weren't the only ones at stake. For the first time, I was afraid. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't sure what to say. The task at hand seemed to great. Fast forward one year and through divine help and with the support of angels - both the mortal ones and spiritual ones - Sydney has been cared for and her relationship with her BROTHER couldn't be stronger. 

As a FUTURE SOCCER STAR:

We are all given bodies that truly are miraculous. I'm dedicating part of my life, as a future doctor, to learning how it works and how to fix it. The beautiful thing about our bodies is that we were all created as individuals. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses. God doesn't expect us to do everything on our own. As a matter of fact, he knew we couldn't do much of anything on our own. He sent his son Jesus Christ to earth for that very reason - so that we could do something; so that we could overcome our weaknesses and return to Him. 

As I reflect on what so many would deem weaknesses or imperfections that plagued Isaac's body, I just sit back in awe at what he was able to do given his circumstance. I will cherish forever the day we got to hold Isaac's body. I was so proud of him; more proud than I ever could have been watching him score his first goal. He fought so hard in his little body and made it so far. He was strong, handsome, a real champ in my books! I recently took a big licensing exam for medical school and my favorite section of my 700 page review book was "Isaac's page". He was so much more than just a diagnosis in a medical book, a statistic, a number. He was special, he was "1 in 8000" (or greater) special. He fought till the end, he was the MVP of the game, and I am still his #1 fan! 

As a SON:

Isaac is and will always be my son. Throughout Stephanie's 9 month pregnancy with Isaac, the sadness of not having Isaac with us at some future point did not keep us from enjoying the time we had with him, however long it may be. We chose to focus on the present. We looked for things to do as a family, things to do with our son. We grew so close to him; he truly became a part of our everyday life. He was alive, his heart was beating, he was fighting, and we were proud of him. The joy of having him with us every minute of every day persisted until that Sunday afternoon on August 4th, 2013, when we went in to search on ultrasound for a heart that we feared was no longer beating. The young doctor came in, confirmed our fears, and left. All of the emotions, the good and bad, the happy and sad, the hope and despair, all seemed to come crashing down on me at this moment. I lost it! My son was gone, his heart had stopped, his spirit had left his body. For the first time in 9 months, I couldn't contain the tears. However, just as quickly as the pain came, the comfort was there. The love of another Father, our Heavenly Father, concerned for His son in need overpowered any feelings of despair that would have left me hopeless. The promise Christ left his disciples before leaving them towards the end of his life flooded my mind. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27) That peace had been such a critical part of this whole process and this moment was no exception. 

The following morning, August 5, 2013, Stephanie delivered Isaac and that experience will forever be sacred to us. The time we had with him was incredible and the opportunity we had to hold his little body we will cherish forever. I remember some teasing me for the care I took and time I spent cleaning Isaac's body. How could I not? His hair had to be just right, his eyes needed to be cleaned, his skin (though delicate) had to shine. He was reporting for duty on the other side of the veil and he had to look his best. Just look at him! What a handsome young man! 

Isaac's life, and death, have reached so far outward. As his father, I will never truly know how great of an impact his life has had and will continue to have on so many. His legacy lives on and I'm so grateful for the many glimpses I have had at the good that HE is accomplishing here still. 

Throughout the pregnancy with Isaac, Stephanie and I knew that his life would be a miracle. We prayed, fasted, and prayed some more for the miracles we hoped to see. While we were unsure how the miracle would unfold, we knew that it would be. We hoped for time, but God gave us patience instead. We hoped for a strong heart for our baby, but God touched ours instead. We hoped for a healthy little boy, but God gave us Isaac, an angel, instead. His body was little, his heart was maimed, his lungs were weak, but HE was strong. He is the miracle! Though his time here was short, he accomplished so much, and I'm so proud to honor him today on his first birthday!  

Jesus Christ commanded us to be perfect. (Matthew 5:48) While I still seek that, I look to Isaac as my example. Isaac, you were too perfect for this world, you were to great to dwell here with us. Your spirit could not be contained in mortality. I always knew that you would be a giant, a star, someone to look up to. While at first I thought I would be the one cheering you on from the sidelines of your first game, on your first day of school, as you set off on your mission, as you took the one you loved to the House of the Lord to be married, I now accept that the roles are reversed. I know you are up there looking down on me and your family as we go through life. Cheer us on, we need your support! We will be back soon and that day will be incomprehensibly beautiful. 

The greatest hope I have as a husband, father, and son, is to have the relationships I have created on this earth persist beyond the grave. I'm proud to know that I have one son that has made it back to dwell with our Heavenly Father and now I just hope that I can live my life and lead my family in a way that will allow us to return to be with Isaac again.  

Isaac, I love you more than words can describe. 

You are the best son a father could ask for! 

I miss you and long for the day I get to see you again. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

*For Isaac's Slideshow, CLICK HERE. 

A Year Ago Today...

*NOTE: Scott, aka "daddy," took the privilege of writing Isaac's blog post for his birthday, his first post ever! :) Click Here to read.

...Our greatest earthly loss continues to be our greatest spiritual gain. 

Isaac, thank you for being so good at being a part of our lives-everyday!

You are seriously amazing!!

Happy 1st Birthday!!! 

We all love you, and miss you, until soon enough...

One year ago... 

*If video won't play, CLICK HERE

Unfortunate News :/

*For all those who have been concerned about us the last few days and left wondering what's going on-Thank you! Thank you for your continued payers on our behalf- we wouldn't be the same without them! We love you and appreciate you!!
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The events of this week and the months to come are in all actuality more fortunate than unfortunate for our family and our growth as well as our ability to support others now and in the future. It is God's perfect plan for our family. 

However, prior to witnessing the windows of heaven crack open upon us the last few days, the only subject line I could come up with that seemed to satisfy the mortal mind for the mass email we sent out to family on Tuesday night was "Unfortunate News :/." 
I knew when I typed it that is was contradictory to what I felt deep down, that "unfortunate" was a poor word choice to describe this chapter in God's perfect plan for us. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and his purposes are never unfortunate.


I taught a lesson in church a week ago during the 3rd hour in Relief Society, inspired by President Monson's most recent General Conference address: Finding Joy in the Journey. The main take away was that as we adapt to change, realize what matters most, and be grateful always, we gain a perspective, an eternal perspective through which we are able to find joy in the journey.


And so it was that as Sydney spoke these words during her prayer at lunch today, I am able to find joy in it, instead of sorrow.
I thought this would be a good way to introduce what happened. She is not referring to her brother Isaac here, by the way~


SYDNEY'S PRAYER:

"Dear Heavenly Father,

(this is where I started paying enough attention to remember exactly what she said..)

Thank you my mommy feels better and thank you that she will feel good. Thank you that my mommy closed her eyes at the doctor and they got the baby out who died, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen."

(me) "Thank you Sydney!!"

(Syd) "You’re definitely welcome!"

The most unusual aspect of this story which I am about to elaborate on, is definitely in the blessing to witness God's very hand in what is happening, and truly know it to be a blessing that we can apply to the rest of our lives. It is truly amazing, and I can't help but feel sincerely fortunate, to yet again experience and learn from our Heavenly Father. The number of times I have cried over the past few days have been far greater attributed to the love, blessings and miracles I have witnessed as the separation between the physical and spiritual worlds has become very thin. Though the so called "unfortunate news" itself and the difficulty that is still very real will require much patience as we wait in an earthly time period, we can move forward with faith in the process and the comfort from we receive from above.

TO THE POINT: 
I was 2 1/2 months pregnant- In September, we were finally going to bring a baby home for Sydney to grow up with. Through everything, she is getting so old! Having been through all we have in the last 2 years trying to bring another baby home (including losing Isaac) we were confident that this baby would come without any complications.

Tuesday's appointment was what we were waiting for before we told our families the much anticipated news. We had yet to tell a soul and were able to keep this exciting and releiving pregnancy a secret longer because I was passing my tiny baby bump off as a "post-partum belly" from Isaac 7 months ago.

It's an all too familiar story--the heartbeat I had just seen beating on the screen at my last appointment was now silently still on the monitor. However, it was more than a common miscarriage. From what they found in the ultrasound, it had more than likely been a rare partial molar pregnancy and I had to have a somewhat urgent and somewhat higher risk surgical procedure to remove the pregnancy. Because of potential tumor-like/cancerous risks that could remain from this type of pregnancy, we have to go through a waiting period of at least 6 months to a year before we can even start trying again. :(

Sad? Yes. Frustrating?? Absolutely. Grateful??? Always.

Sydney is a greater miracle to us every single day. The last 2 years has changed my relationship with her forever. I admire, respect and look up to her so much. She is a best friend of mine forever.
If I didn't have the foundation of trust with my Heavenly Father that I have, I would not know where to turn in difficult times, nor would I be able to have the perspective that I have. But when I turn to him, the blessing are there waiting for me to recognize them, and though I don't know the end from the beginning as He does, I am blessed with the faith and trust I need to endure it in patience, with the knowledge that I have been blessed to seek and find. As I search for answers I am blessed to grow from it along the way, be grateful for that painful growth, and find joy during those growing pains. They are always worth it because that is what we are here for--to grow and become more like Him so that we can return to Him, if that is what we choose.

Different seasons of life present different challenges, and it is the time and season of my life to be young and married, to bare children and grow a family. Many others struggle similarly or even worse. Other seasons of life will present other most difficult challenges, and we all go through challenges in different seasons. Knowing and understanding that God not only loves each of us deeply but is intimately involved in each of our lives helps us to more easily adapt to the changes that come, realize what matters most, and be grateful always, that we may find joy in the journey.


*I want so much to share a few amazing and incredible stories, realizations and miracles that we have come to know and witness in the last few days, but I don't feel that it is best to share them here at this time. Just know that God is extremely involved with the details of your life, that there are angels not only watching over us, but doing things for us constantly, and if you ask God to show you His hand in your life, He will show you in the way that is perfect for you and you will feel His love and purpose for you. It is incredible.*

*END*

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*For my own records, the 2 letters we wrote our families are below, beginning with the most recent, and then the original one breaking the news.

FAMILY(and nearby friends) LETTERS:
After surgery update and a big THANK YOU!!!~

THIS ONE APPLIES TO SO MANY MORE THAN I COULD SEND THIS TO!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hey all :) 

Just wanted to send a quick update so y'all aren't left hangin- and also to thank everyone for your love and support and service to us!

 All went well today. I lost more blood than normal but not enough to need a transfusion. Came home a little lightheaded and a definite sore throat from the breathing tubes. I hope I sleep as well tonight as I did on that operating table- soo relaxing! 

Scott has been taking good care of me and we have some very wonderful angels down here in Galveston with us also taking care of us--between meals, watching sydney, flowers, gifts, cards, texts, calls, emails, prayers, even doing our dishes-!-other forms of service and love we have actually been quite spoiled with love and support. I cannot express enough gratitude for what that means for our hearts. We are so grateful for that support and know you are on the Lords errand in our behalf! You are angels and blessings to us. Thank you all again, those near and far for the love you have and more importantly the love you show. 

The six month count down doesn't  start until my hcg levels are back to 0 so that will take several weeks in and of itself, and only then does the 6 month wait begin. Unfortunately the weekly blood draws begin right away but we are grateful for them nonetheless! 

Thank you all for your continued prayers for patience through our understanding of Heavenly Fathers perfect plan. We love each of you!

Love,

Steph, Scott and Sydney :)




Unfortunate News ;/

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Hey family,  

It's been a little over a year since we found out and broke the news to you all about Isaac. It was and still is a long journey that we have so appreciated your support on. We have also appreciated all the many wonderful things we have learned and are learning--one of them, if not the most vital of them, being patience.

Lighting has struck again and Heavenly Father is once again asking for our patience, and faith, in his plan for our family. 

Scott and I found out on January 15th, the last day of our Walton Temple Miracle month that we were finally pregnant again. It was a miracle! That's 2 1/2 months pregnant...Due date: September 29th, just ONE DAY before Patty and Brian's baby's due date. :) 

We were confident in this pregnancy, and wanted to wait a little bit before telling anyone. I kept telling Scott it was going to be twins and then at my 2nd ultrasound, without knowing my mind about twins, the doctor wondered at the screen if she saw a twin. It was precious and heartwarming to see the little tiny beating heart and know that our baby was thriving. 

Ever since then, we have been waiting for the ultrasound of today to confirm twins or a singleton so we could finally break the exciting news to family and friends. Oh how often I have wanted to bring it up! Especially amidst all the morning sickness and fatigue, but I have done my very best at hiding it so that it could be an even more exciting surprise. 

However, when the doctor came in and put the ultrasound on my slightly bulging belly (which I was playing off as post partum belly from Isaac, cuz some of it probably still is!), she not only found that the baby's heart had stopped, but there were signs of something else. 

From the looks of the placenta on the ultrasound, we had a partial molar pregnancy, meaning there was the normal set of chromosomes from me and double from Scott giving the pregnancy as Scott put it, "trisomy everything." Because mutated tissue from this continues to build, and the risk of hemorrhaging is higher, I have to go in for a D and C so that I can pass this pregnancy in a controlled environment so that I won't bleed to death. 

In addition, once the D and C has taken place, Scott and I will not be able to try getting pregnant again for 6 months---I will have to go in weekly for blood draws in order to make sure my levels have gone down and that by 6 months all the tissues are gone. If the tissues remain, they can become cancer like, which is the reason we have the 6 month waiting period to monitor that. 

We have proven ourselves to beat the odds twice now-- first with Isaac and now with this partial molar pregnancy, which means maybe both Scott and I should get tested for potential answers on why we had 2 chromosomal abnormalities in a row--(though both can happen by chance to anyone). It's crazy that we had both happen.  

The doctor said there is still about a 40% chance that it was a normal pregnancy, and if so, that would be less concerning, but still there is no way of knowing until the D and C, which I will be put under for and will occur in the OR. A D and C of a partial molar pregnancy also poses its own potential higher risks for complications. 

I think the most frustrating thing for us is....frustration. Growing our family is something that continues to progess and then get frustrated..at least in the eyes of our mortal minds. Really, these experiences are building our family in different, spiritual ways, rather than physically. That, I am most grateful for..

I don't have a very good track record recently so who knows once it's time again how long it will take after that time. It's now been 7 months since Isaac was born and I thought that was an eternity away when the doctor suggested we wait 3-6 months. 6 months before that was an eternity away as we awaited Isaac's due date. And 8 months before that was the miscarriage. Since then, it's been two years, and now we have at least another 6 month wait. I never would have imagined that Sydney would have to wait 5+ years until we brought a sibling home for her to play with. She only got to play with Isaac through the womb, but we never got to bring him home otherwise. It breaks my heart for her, but know that it's Heavenly Father's plan for her too. 

I guess the biggest way to help right now would be to pray for the D and C to go well, pray for all other risks to be minimized, and especially for patience as we wait to build and try to build up our family. If we have to wait a lifetime to be with Isaac again, we can wait however many more months or years more until we are blessed with another little angel in our home--but it can't come soon enough!!!!!!! (<----see?? impatient!!) :) 

Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for our family, but some of the points along the way seem so brutal emotionally and that is why we need patience as the plan unfolds. 

Patience is my take away from everything. I already trust in The Lord 100%, it's just patience that is and always will be key in this mortal life with our limited understanding. But that's what faith is; Trust in god's perfect plan as we follow Him, though we don't see the end from the beginning here and now.   

I love to hear from you too- I know I can count on hearing from some specific individuals in the family but please know that it is my personality to openly talk about things- I always love to talk about Isaac and I love to talk about life and Heavenly Fathers plan etc etc and I love to hear what others have in their hearts too so please, reach out openly as well as in prayer and it will always be a beautiful experience!! 

We love you all and are grateful for each of you! 

Thank you for all you do and all you mean to us.

❤️--always and forever. 

Steph and Scott 

Happy 1/2 Birthday Isaac!

February 5, 2014

Happy 1/2 Birthday Isaac!! 

I can't believe you would be 6 months old today. 

But that's 6 months closer to being with you again! 

We love you!!! 💕

(Below) I had to hide this one in here--

"The Preparation Photo".

Yes, I brought my vacuum to clean out the letters and 

yes, that's Sydney's beach shovel to dig the dirt away from the cement. :)

 We've been wanting to do that. :) 

When I remembered last night what today stood for, 

it was kind of a rough night. 

Luckily today, I was not left to myself.

Time spent with others, especially with friends and family, 

is always the time best spent. 

One of the best parts of the day was finding out that 

that Scott got to take a break in his recent 16-hour-day schedule

 and so we went back to "Isaac's" with him by our side. :) 

That was so happy :)

When we got home;

We have very dear friends :)

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Isaac!!! 

We only have a few years here in Galveston so we are living it up!

On your real birthday, we will celebrate you with some cake :)

By then, we will be one whole year closer to being with you again! 

WE LOVE YOU!!

A Gift From An Angel, or Two :)

Note: Less than a week after the unlikely incident recorded in my post Sibling Rivalry (and Love) Through the Veil, this sweet and tender story broadens in a much more tangible way.

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When angels work through us mortal beings to accomplish their God-given purposes, we too become angels, the mortal kind, instruments in the hands of God. 

Yesterday, I saw with my eyes, felt in my hands, and witnessed with my heart, how at least one heavenly angel spoke to the heart of a mortal angel, and through our physical world, blessed a sweet little, 3-year-old girl, patiently waiting for her brother's resurrection so she could have the toy that was buried with him...

We were about to leave, walking away from her house as she dug quickly through her front porch mailbox and pulled out a white package. It must have just arrived during our visit. 

As she stopped me and handed it over, she only said not to open it in front of Sydney. 

I wondered at this, but then, between her next words and what I could feel through the soft packaging, I knew right away what it was. 

The tears came almost instantly, and I went toward her, giving her the kind of embrace you just can't release.

If I wasn't expecting the tears I cried in her front yard that moment, then I definitely wasn't prepared for the tears that came later that afternoon... 

I had set the package on my bed, wondering where and how we should open it. Should we do it at the cemetery? That would be unnecessary. I waited a little while more. 

When I walked back into my room and saw the unopened package on my bed, thinking about the contents inside, it finally came to me, hitting my heart instantly, triggering tears that lasted the better half of the afternoon. In that moment I felt the love Isaac had for his sister Sydney. 

It was from him.

The tears flowed with the sweetness that I felt in my heart as I took the unopened package to Sydney to have her do the honors. 

I explained to her that Isaac loved her and had found a way to share with her without making her wait. 

I told her exactly what I felt.

"Isaac's sweet spirit spoke to our friend A****'s heart and she was moved to find this same "tiny elephant" and have it sent here so that you don't have to wait for Jesus to open the box to get it. 

Isaac wanted you to have it now, and our friend A**** was the one who helped him get it to you."

In her own words, A**** explained in an email:

"Sydney is already going to have to wait patiently to be with Isaac…I hoped that by having an elephant like the one waiting with him it might help to bring them just a little closer in the meantime." 

Through the spirit are people moved to do good, and I believe in her act of friendship and love, she was acting upon the spirit. She was an instrument in the hands of God, working through angels, on behalf of Isaac, to send a message to his older sister.

Whether gifts from Heaven come straight into our hearts or first into our mailboxes,

the message is always the same

--love. 

When we are able to recognize it, that message of love becomes the greatest gift of all.

It came with a sucker, too. 

Sydney's favorite. :) 

Sibling Rivalry (and Love) Through The Veil

It felt so good, so different, so unusual, this morning, when for the first time ever, I had to mediate between two of my children--one living, one not.

It was definitely new, and weird. I had no idea it was even possible, or that something like this would ever occur. 

Sydney and I were talking about a small paper origami elephant that was in the office and when she heard the words "small elephant," this apparently triggered in her the memory of "the tiny elephant." 

I took a nap with this "tiny elephant" the day in-between Isaac's delivery and memorial service. I'm glad I did, for I didn't know at the time the sacred place it would end up...

Since elephants are very symbolic to us of Isaac, naturally, we have a few of them around our home.

The bigger blue elephant on the right is the elephant Isaac "gave" Sydney when she met him for the first time at the hospital. The elephant on the left, and above ("the tiny elephant"), is the one we buried with him. 

This morning, Sydney kept insisting that she wanted the tiny elephant and the only 2 elephants that came to mind were the one she got at the hospital and the little elephant rattle she got from Isaac Christmas morning at the cemetery. Sydney likes to pretend she is a baby and asked for a rattle a few days before Christmas. We had the perfect one. Isaac received one baby rattle at his shower and it just happened to be a little blue elephant rattle. :)

But these were clearly not the elephants she was referring to. When I showed Sydney the picture on the left and asked her if this was the elephant she was talking about her eyes widened and she said:

"Yes! Isaac has the tiny elephant and 

he just won't share it with me!" 

It made me smile to think of this unique idea developing in Sydney's head, and it felt kind of good to be the one responsible to address the issue, like Isaac was really here or something to mediate between the two of them.

But Sydney's tears were real, and she was getting very upset.
I had no idea why suddenly, this elephant was so important to her or why she was feeling so strongly about it.

I tried explaining to her in a few different ways that it was Isaac's elephant and that it is buried with him so we can't get it--but this only made her more upset.

Then I thought of Isaac, if he could, he truly would share it with her, he would give it to her. He would want her to have it.

In thinking of Isaac, the perfect words came. 

I told her that Isaac wants to share it with her, but because mommy and daddy put it in there with him and the box is closed for now that when Jesus comes again and "opens the box"to bring Isaac to life again, that she can have "the tiny elephant" again at that time.

She immediately got happy and excited, because she understood it, and said:

"OK! When Jesus comes and opens the box
then Isaac will share the elephant with me!"

It impresses me--the continuing relationship through the veil between Sydney and her brother, Isaac...

...not the fact that it's continuing, but that I am able to witness it.

It is such an honor and a privilege to be a part of their special, and eternal bond--the bond I could feel between them when he was here, and the bond I continue to feel between them now, through the veil.

Flowers in the Mail

I wasn't aware of the significance of today 

until this box came in the mail this afternoon.

 I felt special as I walked back home holding it because I knew what was inside and who had sent them--but I didn't know why. 

When I opened the box- I was caught off guard.

It wasn't because of the flowers themselves, but because of what they began to stand for as I read the accompanying note. 

I am touched.

Happy 3 month Birthday, Isaac!

We sure love you :)

And I sure love you, Scott. 
Thank you :)

Dear Isaac: A letter to Heaven, and the World - PART IV - "Time" Concludes

Part IV of IV

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

PART IV of IV- "Time" Concludes
Click Here for Part III of IV

I once believed this "bitter cup" that was set before us would be swallowed up in the miraculous healing of our son. 
Now, I recognize the blessing of a greater opportunity. We are blessed to build a brighter faith, gain a stronger hope and achieve a more glorious work as we actively take part in creating miracles of our own doing. Living a life committed to the gospel so that I will witness the literal healing and raising up of my baby boy, will be of the greatest miracles along the way.


Until then, Isaac is our little missionary, helping us bring about miracles within ourselves but more importantly, to others. As his mother, I am proud to let him Serve the Lord for however long we are to be apart. 

Before Isaac's grave was filled with earth,
Scott laid down the favorite tie from his own 2-year mission in
honor of that same work Isaac is doing on the other side.

If through Isaac's story, we are able to bring one soul to Jesus Christ, then the sacrifice Scott, Sydney, Isaac and I endure in this life is worth it--that another may be made "alive" in Christ.

We all must have this opportunity to hear the Gospel before our Savior will come again, before we all (the dead and the living--everyone) can be together again, alive in the flesh, alive in Christ.

Each of our spirits will find permanent residence in the bodies we came to this earth to claim for all eternity. They will be perfected, glorified, immortalized, never to be separated from them again. This is so, that we may receive a fullness of joy surrounded by those we love as well as the one who loves us most--forever learning, growing and progressing that we may one day be as He is and have all that He has. This, is a fullness of joy. This is what God wants for each of us. This, is the purpose of our Savior, and this is His work and His glory: the immortality and eternal life of man. I bare strong testimony of it and declare that with any struggle we meet in this life, big or small, self-inflicted or imposed upon us, we can turn to our Savior and find strength, peace and comfort to endure it, learn from it, grow from it, and become more like Him through it. We are given time here on earth for this very purpose. What a gift.

And so I leave off where I began, months ago before Isaac's short life ended. It was truth then and it is truth now...

"If I look at the past, present and future as one eternal truth as God does, what I see is my family- Me, Scott, Sydney, Isaac, our future children and grandchildren, the family that came before us and those who will come after us- together. That vision will be reality, in the blink of an eye. In some sense, it already is reality. I don’t doubt that Isaac will act as a guardian angel for our family as we dwell here on earth, and I don’t doubt that our ancestors and our future children are already acting as our guardian angels. But there will come a time when we will literally be with them again, all together, all made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ, through His atonement and the great Plan of Salvation.

"As for the time being, I still cry at times; But more than the tears that drip down my cheeks is the amount of gratitude that I have for being given this marvelous opportunity to experience this pain and sorrow, that we may come to know and experience true joy coupled with tremendous faith, comfort and the invaluable opportunity to share the gospel.

I am forever grateful for all the blessings that continue to guide us through this experience--through this life.

It always was and still is only a matter of time and what we do with it--while we still have it. Individually, time will conclude for each of us, until the day when Christ comes and time as we know it, will conclude for all. 

He will then come to reign with peace and happiness. As brothers and sisters who made the choice pre-mortally to come to this earth to learn, grow and return back home, let us work together, prepare the way for our Savior and partake of the goodness and glory that will be ours as we live His gospel and share it with others. We are one big eternal family, all of us, and it will not be home without every one of us there. Let us each hasten the work before our time concludes, that our eternal life, God's greatest gift, may begin.



*To learn more about the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, CLICK HERE, or contact me :). THANK YOU FOR READING!

*I definitely have further plans to for Isaac's story- as his story will never end (and there is much yet to share)- but I take a break from it for now. 
It's been a while since I've written a "normal" update on my blog about our day-to-day lives. There sure is a lot to catch up on!! I want Sydney to remember what she was like at this stage in her life and so for our own sake, I will continue to write about our daily, normal lives. As always, thank you for reading and please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions at all! I love talking to people about the Gospel, about anything, and about life. :)