The Disheartening Effects of Pregnancy

Please Note: I will continue typing a small paragraph at the very beginning of each post about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories with Isaac, while he's here with us. The "real" posts will begin Immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

Monday, April 15, 2013- 

Isaac likes to kick me in the same place almost every time. It's right where the top of my pants push into my skin, getting tighter and tighter everyday! It's as if he's trying to tell me to back it off of him so he can stretch out in there. Is it rude of me not to loosen my pants just so he'll keep kicking me? :) Sydney started poking Isaac last week like a sibling would poke another. She thinks it's cute to poke him, although I'm the middle man that absorbs most of the poke! I let her do it because she won't get to when he's on the other side of my tummy. My favorite daily experiences with Isaac continue to be between him and Sydney. Yesterday we took "them" to the park after our Sunday Walk. :) Sydney can't help but include him in everything: "Is baby brother gonna come play? Come on, baby Isaac!" And so you see me at the top of the playground equipment :)

Isaac's story: Post 2

Click here for Post 1

The Disheartening Effects of Pregnancy

"We need to talk about a problem with your baby," the doctor said to us as I sat myself in the upright position. The words came at me slow and my heart was slow to drop. The tears came a little delayed as well- I wouldn't let them pour out until I knew what she meant by "problem." I hoped that she'd meant to say there was only a "concern." That word would have been much less frightening in comparison, but a "problem" potentially meant something more permanent, more severe. As she explained what they'd seen in the ultrasound, what we hadn't seen until she pointed it out to us, that is when I couldn't control my tears anymore, though I continued to try the entire time she explained so that I could hear and understand the words that were coming from her mouth.

Five minutes after we returned home (Scott went straight back to campus), I was to have a friend and her daughter over to chat with and play with Sydney. When I determined not to let myself cry on that short 5 minute drive home from the hospital so that my eyes wouldn't be all red and puffy, I determined not to call and cancel, though it was more than tempting. I wanted nothing more than to be in the privacy of my own home and let the tears burst out as soon as I got there. Yet, I didn't want to just go home and mope around and cry all day and I figured having them over would be a good distraction for me.

Almost as soon as they left, we headed back to the hospital for the blood test we'd scheduled that morning, the blood test that may or may not later confirm what she'd seen in the ultrasound. Luckily, Scott could again, meet me at the hospital, which is part of his campus, being a med. student.

I was more exhausted from holding in my tears than I thought I'd be, but as soon as I returned home, it was time for another guest to come to our home and help make decorations for a baby shower that would take place in my home only two days later. Again, I welcomed the distraction and put off the crying for even longer. I didn't want to stress myself out by canceling this much needed help.

Finally, when this friend left, I could let my emotions flow and have time to actually think things over for the first time all day. I could finally search for some sort of peace or comfort, that really didn't seem to come fully until much later that evening, and would only increase during the days following. Scott canceled a meeting he had with the bishopric to stay home with me that night, and the bishop came over after the meeting so that they could give me/"baby boy Walton" a blessing.

Finally, after having received the first bit of comfort through a priesthood blessing, the bigger picture began coming together, a piece of which we received exactly three months sooner, right after I found out I was pregnant. God knew long before any doctor knew exactly about our baby boy Isaac and His plan for him. God told us, prepared us, long before any doctor could. He warned us far in advance so that when it came time for us to find out the reality of our situation, He could comfort us when we needed it most, with the blessing I received when Bishop came over and Scott and him layed their hands on my head for a blessing of comfort and guidance.

Here is the entry from my journal (Click here, then scroll to where the blue font begins) where I shared a while ago about the blessing I received when I was only a few days pregnant and what I then thought "finding peace and comfort in the disheartening effects of pregnancy" to mean then, not knowing anything that was to come, or what it really stood for. Since then, I've received two separate priesthood blessings in which I was promised that I would continue to receive revelation from our Heavenly father, BUT that I wouldn't always understand immediately what He was trying to tell me. I clearly didn't understand immediately what that original blessing meant, as I attributed the disheartening effects of pregnancy to my morning sickness, which I hadn't experienced with Syd, but that was comforting to me because it meant I was still pregnant. Also, the fact that I wouldn't always understand immediately what He (Heavenly Father) is trying to tell me is key to future experiences which I will share at a later time. VERY COOL.


God has a plan. He has a plan for each of us.

We still don't know how that plan will continue to play out exactly for our baby Isaac, but we do know that God has a plan for him, even if the part of that plan that takes place during his earth life is very short. We know because He told us, long before any doctor could. We have found great comfort in knowing (because we have sought that knowledge), that God's hand is so much a part of our lives- what we are going through, and more importantly, a part of our baby Isaac's life.

Because of Him, and true to His words through the power of priesthood blessings, we truly have been able to find "peace and comfort in the disheartening effects of pregnancy." 

Even so, it was two weeks later that we learned that the information, which we'd received at that appointment on February 7, was not the worst news. 

----------------------------------------------------------

End

*Details of the ultrasound and findings

are in this letter which Scott emailed to our family and a few others late in the evening on February 7, the day of our appointment. The letter below was the first letter in which we shared anything about this experience with anyone. 

-From my journal-

Friday, February 8, 2013

*Yesterday I was at the doctor half the day, in two different appointments. The first was an ultrasound and the second was a blood draw. Scott wrote this email about what we found out..he sent it to our family.

Hey all,

I just wanted to send y'all a quick update. Steph and I had an ultrasound appointment this morning for a routine screening that they do. Since she miscarried a few months prior, she has been in the "high risk" category. That just means many more ultrasounds and appointments in the high risk office. So far things have been going well, despite some morning sickness that seems to be subsiding. She is 12 weeks and 2 days so it is still early to tell much, but the tech said she is almost positive it will be a BOY!! We are very excited about that.

The ultrasound tech went to show the doctor the images and said they would be back in shortly to talk to us about them. Anyways, the doctor came in and you could sense the uneasiness in her voice. She said that we needed to talk about a problem with our baby. He has some things that haven't quite developed perfectly up to this point and that is why we are writing. He has a protrusion of his abdominal contents into the umbilical cord region. This can be one of two things: A gastroschisis (less concerning, but requiring a surgical fix after birth) or an omphalocele (more concerning, sometimes accompanied by chromosomal abnormalities or other defects including heart, GI, urinary system etc.). The doctor believes it is the latter, more serious one, but it was to early to say definitively. During normal development, the intestines normally leave the abdomen and enter the yolk sac area while the body grows, then they migrate back in. This hasn't happened as it should. Barring a miracle, he will be born with his intestines/abdominal contents outside of his body that will require surgery. If this is the only problem, almost all the children survive and undergo surgery to fix the problem. About half the time, there are other birth defects that accompany the omphalocele. The cause can also be chromosomal. About 30% of these cases are caused by a chromosomal defect, often being a trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is not very compatible with life but usually goes to term. It also may be caused by trisomy 13 (even worse than 18) or trisomy 21 (down syndrome, but this is less common for this abnormality). There are a million things to talk about and mention but it doesn't do much good until we get results from some of the tests they did today, looking at the baby's DNA.

I am writing to ask for your prayers, fasting, and faith.

Moroni 7:27-30; 33

27 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have amiracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to bclaim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?

28 For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him willacleave unto every good thing; wherefore he badvocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.

29 And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have aangels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

30 For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of agodliness.

33 And Christ hath said: aIf ye will have bfaith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is cexpedient in me.

Christ has the ability to work miracles. I have witnessed them first hand and have absolute faith that He can do anything that is expedient to Him and the will of our Father in Heaven. We are grateful for this opportunity to exercise unwavering faith in Him and know without a doubt that he will bless us for our faith and righteous desires. I know that we can see miracles and that we will witness a miracle in our family. We don't know what that miracle is but we are asking, with faith, that He heal our baby boy. We are just asking that you join with us. Like it says in Moroni, miracles have not ceased, and they happen according to God's will. We just have to be the type of people mentioned above. "Men of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness."

Please join us in praying and exercising that faith. There is no room for doubt or fear; we don't have time for these things. We love you and are grateful for all of you. We are going to be fasting this Saturday-Sunday and would appreciate you joining us if you can. Thanks again, we love you!

Scott, Stephanie, Sydney, Baby Boy Walton

The Trial and Gift of Time

Please note- 

This is the first post where I begin to share this private and personal experience publicly. 

This is also the first of many more posts where I will share the incredible journey our little family began 5 months ago and all the blessings that have and will continue to come from it- forever. 

Today: 

Friday, April 5th, 2013- He is 20 weeks and 3 days old. I am so happy to be his mother today, to have taken him grocery shopping with Syd and I, to ride on my bike, and to go together as a family to his 2nd kid birthday party later tonight at the beach. He lives not in my arms, but still in my tummy, yet he truly is in the best place he will be in this earth life and is daily giving Sydney the chance to be his big sister, me his mommy, and Scott his daddy. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, we have a son, a brother, and his name is Isaac.

Isaac's story: Post 1

The Trial and Gift of Time

Dedicated to our son

ISAAC ASHER WALTON

Written on, Tuesday, March 26, 2013, at 19 Weeks Gestation
-From my journal

When we first found out the prognosis of our son, Isaac, one of the things that worried me is that I still had a half a year of my pregnancy remaining. He could die anytime in that 6 months, or could live days or months after birth, and nothing more; But he would die- very, very young. Part of me wanted it all to be taken from me- the pregnancy, the delivery, even our son- before it got any harder, so that I didn’t have to endure the unknown future, and especially the inevitable. His dying sooner than later seemed more relieving than to await for all uncertainty, become attached and ultimately have him taken from us anyway. Like with my one and only miscarriage at 6 weeks, in June of 2012- the pain and sorrow from that miscarriage literally only lasted some short days. Part of me wished it could pass as “easy” as the miscarriage had, though any parent wanting for a child knows the words ‘miscarriage’ and ‘easy’ do not belong in the same sentence. But by the time we found out about our son, I was already twice as far along as I had been with the miscarriage. A hopeful sign it had been to us.

Being a high-risk pregnancy simply because of my former miscarriage, I’d already had the opportunity to see our baby boy Isaac on ultrasound a handful of times, a number that would only explode in the weeks to come. Because of the number of weeks pregnant and the number of times I’d gotten to “meet him” in ultrasound, I was that much more invested in this new baby, even more invested than I had been in Sydney by this point in my pregnancy with her. There was something there that made me want to hold on to this baby, as much as I wanted to let go before it got any “worse.” But the choice wasn’t up to me, whether I wanted to hold on or not. It was never a consideration for Scott and I to terminate this life, but rather let God and His laws of nature take control. Afterall, he is our son, and even greater than that, a literal child of God, as all of us are.

The more the time has passed, the more I’ve grown in character and in spirit, in faith and in love, in patience and in humility, and now my feelings are opposite of what I admittedly once had. Even then, when I wished the pregnancy would be taken from me, a pregnancy that Scott and I tried for 7 months to gain, I knew then that the want for some kind of relief, the want to make things easier, was not characteristic of a person full of patience, humility and selflessness. I did not want to be selfish in anyway. On top of that, I tried to put it into perspective as far as the life growing inside of me and what his full potential was, not on this earth life, but in the eternities. I needed to understand the importance of this soul growing within me, as well as the importance of being like our Savior before I could comfortably be willing to sacrifice anything, my body, my comfort, my emotions, my time, for this being that I was only beginning to get to know and to love- a sacrifice worth way more than I’d give up. In the end, I give up nothing, but only gain from it. To some extent, it has been a sacrifice, as any pregnancy is, but it’s been so much more. It’s been a great opportunity, experience and blessing, that will last us the rest of our lives.

Today, looking back on the last 7 weeks, which seem more like months since we’ve known, I can say that this devastating and heartbreaking experience has been well worth it, and will continue to be more than worth it. Not just for the things we are learning and the people we are becoming, but for the relationship we are gaining with our son, this amazing spirit who is too pure to stay on this earth. It really has been a sacrifice worth way more than we “are giving up.” We are coming out ahead of where we were before we even got pregnant.

I was once so scared of the long 6 months I may or may not have ahead of me in this disheartening pregnancy. But since then, we've learned that Isaac is expected to at least make it to term. Now, I am ever grateful for this “waiting” period, a period where we can see Isaac daily by ultrasound set up in our home, and I can feel him kicking and living inside of me. Right now, he is alive. He is living. And he is our son. I am honored to be the one to carry him, and personally escort him in his short journey of life here on earth. I am his mother, now.

As soon as I came to recognize that our son’s health problems and ultimate death were not the real trial, but that the real trial here was time, the time in which we have to endure each passing difficulty, I have been able to view each of these as but a wink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and have an eternal perspective. 

On the contrary, I've also begun to see this time as a gift, a blessing in which we treasure every moment that Isaac is here with us. 

Time is

Too slow for those who wait

Too swift for those who fear

Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But for those who love
Time is eternity
-Henry Van Dyke

"Time IS eternity" means something very different than "time is eternal." Just think about it. Our time on this earth will end, but our love never will. We get to love Isaac for an eternity, an eternity which includes a future spent as a family with our son Isaac, in his perfect resurrected body, along with our other children and family, together with God in pure happiness and continual growth, after this life.

The only thing more important than the time we are given here on earth, is what we do with it.

Time is what our world rotates on and functions by. It provides us with order. If you think about it, time really is everything to us here on earth. It takes time to grow, to get to know someone, to get over break ups. It takes time to heal from injuries, to grieve our loved ones. It takes time to recover from a sickness. It takes time to suffer, and time to heal. It takes time to learn, to become wise. It takes time to work so that we can have the means to live.

It takes time to accomplish things, both good and bad. It takes time to accomplish anything, and it takes time to heal. In difficult times, we want the time to pass faster. In good times, we want time to slow down.

We all have a certain amount of time to live, some shorter than others. You might call it a blessing to get your time cut short, to get to return to our Father in Heaven sooner in life, and you could also call it a blessing to be able to stay on earth a little longer. We all have our different needs, and some of us need more time to accomplish the work that He would have us accomplish in our lives and in the live of those we come in contact with.

Thinking of time in this manner, and in relations to this experience we are currently growing from, I thought first about my worries and they were all, every one of them, related to time. 1. Is our son suffering, or will he suffer? For how long will he have to suffer?

2. I have [had] 6 months left of pregnancy. That is a long time. After that, how long will our son live for? How long will we have to wait to get pregnant again and how long will it take this time? What if there’s another miscarriage? Sydney will be 4 or 5 years older than our next child after Isaac, and we wanted our children to all be somewhat close in age.

3. Once Isaac is taken from us, we know we will see him again and that he is ours forever, but it seems like such a long time, a lifetime even, before we will be reunited with him again.

You see? If time were not a factor in any of the difficulties we go through, there would be no trials, for the suffering and the growth, are imbedded in time. Otherwise, all suffering, discomfort, sorrow, worry or struggle would be but a wink of an eye and we could not learn or grow from such insignificance. We are here to grow and become like our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ, and through Isaac, and this blessed experience, I am learning more about the mysteries of godliness than I ever have in my whole life combined. What I have known up to this point is all coming together to form a more complete whole, a more perfect vision that becomes clearer and clearer with the passing of this current time in our lives, and will continue to clarify as our future endures.

God knows no time. To Him, the past present and future are one eternal truth. When we die, we will see “time” or the lack thereof as He does. But time is necessary for us here on earth. God created it that way, in His all-knowing wisdom. We endure through time and prove ourselves in time.

Once I realized the significance of time in relation to our difficulties in this circumstance, and how much it was bearing down on me and the plans I had for my family, I could easily hand that specific and all-encompassing concern to the Lord and say- my time is in your hands. I know that if I’m living righteously, I’m living to fulfil His purposes and become more like my Savior, then however my time passes in this life, it will be for the best because He knows what’s best and He wants what's best for us. 

Courtesy of Google Images

I’m not worried anymore about Sydney being so much older than her next sibling. I’m not worried anymore about the next several months of pregnancy or even the outcome of the pregnancy or Isaac’s life. I’m not worried about how long it will be before we can get pregnant again. I have faith in all of these things, however they work out. If I look at the past, present and future as one eternal truth as God does, what I see is my family- Me, Scott, Sydney, Isaac, our future children and grandchildren, the family that came before us and those who will come after us- together. That vision will be reality, in the blink of an eye. In some sense, it already is reality. I don’t doubt that Isaac will act as a guardian angel for our family as we dwell here on earth, and I don’t doubt that our ancestors and our future children are already acting as our guardian angels here on earth. But there will come a time when we will literally be with them again, all together, all made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ, through His atonement and the great Plan of Salvation.

As for the time being, I still cry at times, it is only natural; But more than the tears that drip down my cheeks is the amount of gratitude that I have for being given this marvelous opportunity to carry this miracle with me during his short life here on earth,  for the trust Heavenly Father has given us to be his parents and love him and do what is best for him, and to trust us enough, and BLESS us enough to grow our faith and understanding of the Gospel and become more like Him, which is ultimately what will lead to our eternal salvation, when and where we will “soon” live with and grow with our son, even Isaac Asher Walton, together with the rest of our family. What a gift. It is only a matter of time, and what we do with it.

It Happened Overnight

For all those who struggle putting their kids to bed at night, who need a testimony booster, or who could solve more problems by spending quality time with their family more often.

They say people can't change overnight.

Sydney did.

It not only changed her nights and days, but ours as well.

Remember that short little blog I posted more than a month ago about our struggle with Sydney and bedtime? It was really a struggle, I may have even cried to Scott about it a time or two.

You better take a refresher- it's a very short post. click HERE. 

Ok, welllllllll, I think it's been long enough to report that an impressive 37 days has gone by since that night and NOT ONE TEAR AT BEDTIME. Not even a fight! It would take me sometimes 2 hours to finally get her down. Ridiculous, and draining; emotionally and physically.

Here's what we did,

specific to our little Sydney. 

This is what she needed. 

FHE = Family Home Evening- one night in a week dedicated to being together and strengthening our family relationships.

1. We decided FHE would be an excellent tool for helping us with Sydney's going to bed issue. And this proved to be true. Though it only took the one FHE lesson, we still do numbers 2. and 3. every day since that night when everything changed. :)

To make it totally understandable for Sydney, Scott drew pictures of what he was talking about as he talked about them with her, in a way any young child could understand. He gave a great lesson on the good things that come from sleeping. He emphasized things Sydney would think were the best outcomes. Then, we did the normal bedtime routine and Sydney got in her bed- the point where we'd say goodnight and the nightmare would normally begin.

BUT, we stayed.

 We sat next to her in her bed, and invested a few minutes more of our evening with her. We reviewed what we learned for FHE. We re-emphasized the "good" things or what was most important to her- like 1. becoming a "BIG girl," bigger and bigger, every day because of sleeping (and eating), and 2. being happy.

These next two things, are what we continue to do daily/nightly, since that night:

2. She enjoyed this little chatting time we had sitting on her bed, after reading at least 3 books already, and her normal bedtime routine.
So we turned this time, right after books and prayer into a time to talk with her about her day. Talk about what we did and ask her questions about it. We listen for her responses.

Now, every night she excitedly climbs into bed and says "Momma talk [to] Sydney?!" and then she starts the conversation out as I used to when we first started this... "So? How's [was] [your] day? ... " She loves it- and it's definitely one of my favorite times of the day too. :)
It's really a precious opportunity that I know won't last for ever.

3. When I get up to leave her room and close the door behind me, this is not my final "Good night." I think she was feeling stranded and alone when we'd leave her room, before. We'd always end up back in her room by default of her crying/screaming and there were many "Good nights" in one evening, against our will. This new, second goodnight, is planned and promised to Sydney. Before I walk out, now I let her know that

"Mommy's going to come back and check on you in 5 minutes, Ok?" 

And then I do. 

There is comfort in knowing I'm close by, close enough to come back and check on her after I walk out. When I come back in, she stays quiet and lets me kiss her on the cheek. Then I say "I love you" once more and walk out for the rest of the night.

We were blessed to discover this 'new way' because we were seeking help from the Lord and made it a point to have FHE on this particular night about this particular issue, and were inspired to do these particular things.

As a family- 

we all are finally on the same page,

when going to bed each night- 

not just Scott and I.

Just think of how our family could benefit if we had FHE every week, like we are instructed!

What are other issues, stuggles, or problems that we can solve, simply by finding and spending quality time as a family to discuss and resolve, to learn and to grow, and to love and strengthen each of our relationships as a family?

What a blessing that one night of FHE was and still is to us.

She signed her name, and changed,

overnight. 

Sleep Happy

The final declaration of our FHE (Family Home Evening) lesson with Sydney tonight: (a somewhat recent struggle in our home...)

(She's still trying to establish a good signature for herself). 

Oh, and just for the record, she didn't cry at all at bedtime tonight. She didn't even whine when I told her I was going to close the door. She's still falling asleep on the floor by her door, but she didn't cry!

Whatever suits her...as long as we are she is happy! ;)

HOMELESS and CAR-LESS

More correctly, we are really just HOUSE-less and only 1 car less. 

Long story short: We did NOT BUY THE HOUSE. We backed out after the inspection report came back to us. We started feeling worse about it anyway after getting the Flood/Wind insurance quote back for it- which is on an Island the was destroyed 4 years ago by a hurricane. Being in a flood zone is no good for the price of house insurance, and we weren't prepared for the "high-risk" flood zone price- at all. We also would not have been prepared for the possible risks that the inspection report posed either, had they ended up being real problems.

We sold our 2nd car, the Civic, two days after putting it up for sale. It drove away from us on the 4th of July, the same day we decided not to buy the house. Suddenly, our "home" no longer existed and we were back at square one, with less than a month to figure out from Kansas City where we were going to live in Galveston, and having already made the trip down there. It was quite depressing. I felt so helpless because now that we sold our car, we weren't guaranteed to live close to campus anymore. The housing options down in Galveston were slim-pickings when we were there in person- it's even worse from almost 800 miles away.

But, as promised, THINGS WORKED OUT. I was relieved of that desperate, helpless feeling after only a day and a half. Everything came together in a way that we couldn't have planned better ourselves. Instead of being tight on money and in a house, we are going to be tight on space (about 1/2 the space of the house) in an apartment, but have a little more money. I'm grateful for that circumstance because sacrificing space is more worth it to me than sacrificing so much more money- that honestly, we didn't really have. There's still no doubt that it will STILL be tight for us until he finishes in 4 years, but we will be much better off financially this way.

It's a little 3 bedroom apartment, the same place where the people lived that we stayed with when we went to Galveston to look for a place- So only by default did we get to check the place out that we otherwise would have never seen. We are so lucky to have called the very day we did, b/c the 3 bedrooms are almost never available. It was perfect timing. The exciting part is that it's a nice place in a nice area, really good price for the island (all utilities included in the rent) and it's only 1 mile away from campus (located at the north end of the neighborhood we were going to buy in).  So the fact that we sold our second car became a blessing again, Scott's bike and the free moped we inherited from a friend a few months ago will be very useful again, as well as the city bus that comes right by (and is free for students).

We feel very blessed, grateful and relieved that things are working out the way they are. I know we will be much happier in this situation, however long it may last for. For more reasons than I have mentioned, it has been a good learning experience, with only a minor price to pay for it.

Just for some viewing pleasure, here are some 4th of July pics- mostly of Syd in her cute garage sale dress ;) Call us ghetto. I LOVE (good) garage sales!! :)

 Playin' a little Croquet- A Fourth of July TRADITION in our fam :)

An overdue THANK YOU

This is far overdue, but as I said in the last post, and as you keep reading in this one, there are reasons it's overdue. I want to thank everyone who reached out to me in various ways after the blog post about my recent pregnancy. It was very helpful to have that support and it was good to know so many care! So thank you, even just for reading my blog and listening to what I had to say. Just like it took a little courage to write that blog post, I know it takes courage to reach out in uncomfortable situations so thanks for your courage and kind words, no matter how they came- even if they only came to me through your prayers. I sure felt them~


HOUSE UPDATE
Not to be cliche' or anything, but Wow, life is sure a RoLLeR cOasTer for Scott and I right now, a very tall one with STEEP drop offs. At first I'm pregnant, then I'm not. At first we're buying a home, and now we may not be. There is a lot that's going into it and hopefully by the end of today we'll have more answers, but when everything's said and done, hopefully we'll still end up getting to live in this cute little house that we found on Galveston Island, only 1/2 a mile from UTMB campus.

Because we are going to be SO close to campus, we've decided to sell our Honda Civic. (Click here for more info). We just put the ad up yesterday and have had several calls already. I have high hopes that it should go fast, but you never know- this may be another high point in this coaster that we're on where the next direction is down again. That seems to be the trend with anything good happening in our lives right now. BUT, that is the logic of a puny, pessimistic and temoral perspective.
I KNOW everything will work out; Our home, our future baby/s, selling our car. As I see how things are coming together, not as I would have them but as God would, I can see how His perspective of our past, present, and FUTURE are determining how His hand is playing in our lives today. I didn't want to sell our 2nd car, but if we kept it, it would sit in our driveway eating up insurance money and depreciating in value until it's time to upgrade to a family size car in a few years anyway. Over the last few months Scott has gotten a free bike, and a free moped, and we've found a place to live only 1/2 mile from campus. Also, we need the $3000 that the car is worth to help us with some of the upfront costs of buying a house. It's all coming together and it all is making sense.

At this time, I'm going to keep my mouth shut as far as what is happening with the house because things can and have been changing like THAT and I don't want to speak too soon before I know the outcome. But however it does work out, the point is that it WILL work out. And when it all comes together, I will be able to see why it did work out the way it did and why it's for the best for us.

As far as the ups of this roller-coaster, I have lot's of PICTURES to post from the last 2 weeks of being MIA- from our trip to Texas/Galveston, to being a mom of twins for a week to the Color Run etc.. but I'm going to create a separate post for all that fun stuff starting now..

THANKS AGAIN!

I was pregnant...

Yes. I was. You would have gotten a much different announcement of it in a few more weeks.

We announced this one to our family just this past Friday with this video:

Two days later, I miscarried.

Everything went perfect with Syd; pregnancy and birth. We expected it to be the same the 2nd time around. It was. We got pregnant right away again, just as we hoped for. To me, that meant another perfect pregnancy.

Scott felt different about it. From the beginning he suspected something was not right. He just had a weird feeling. He wouldn't even completely believe the pregnancy tests until the 3rd positive.

I on the other hand, wasn't even concerned with things you hear about like the dangers of miscarriage. I was with Syd- I think that just comes with the territory of first-time moms-to-be, and because it was so smooth the first time, I was too relaxed about that possibility this time.

When I went in to the doctor on Monday, he made it very clear to me that no matter what the results were, "There is nothing you did to make this happen." 1 in 6 pregnancies end up in miscarriages; it's a natural part of reproduction, and to most women, they never even know they were pregnant; they think it is nothing more than a late period. But I knew better.

I was worried Sunday when it began, and even after the doctor told me he was concerned on Monday, I held my ground. I was let down,  bummed, a little embarrassed even, but I was prepared to accept that we'd lost this baby.

I'm not one to break down very often. I did break down, Monday night, after Scott gave me a priesthood blessing for comfort. We were to get my blood test results back the next day, but I already knew the outcome.  It was then that I let loose and everything became a reality. I learned that I was to rely on my husband who wants to be so much a part of everything in my life, and also that I'd learn more deeply the Plan of Salvation by experiencing it myself. Hearing that was all I needed to know.

Then I cried for the next day and a half. It was literally out of my control, the fact that I cried. This is the weird part, the part I didn't expect. The best way I can explain it, is that mentally, I had accepted it and I was fine and ready to move on. I was grateful it happened earlier on in pregnancy and not later. I knew that it happened for a reason and somehow it was probably a blessing in disguise, if nothing more than to make my character stronger and more sympathetic toward others. Mentally, I didn't need to mourn like I would if it had been Sydney instead, But it was as if my body and spirit were mourning beyond my control. I could literally feel my body and spirit mourning for me and I'd cry and not know why; I'd just cry and want to go lay down or just be still and not move.

In honor of that sweet spirit that we didn't get to meet in this life, I write this post, and for some reason I haven't been able to focus on much until I've written this. Getting things in writing has always provided some sort of closure for me. We are fine and feel very blessed. I look at Sydney as more of a miracle than I did before and I know that feeling will be the same with each little miracle that gets to join our little family. Now that saying is no longer a cliche', it's a reality. Children really are miracles!

 I got this in a fortune cookie on Monday night- it was very fitting and cute; a tender mercy. 

We will get our "moment" some day!

You Are Cordially Invited...

...To the Rest Of Our Lives

Scott and I aren't perfect. If you want to think that we are perfect, then jump down to where the pictures in this post start, or click here or here for something similar. If you wanna know the truth, keep reading.

Let's think of the most recent imperfection in our relationship... Hmm..Oh, yes. It was yesterday (Memorial Day), at the pool. We took Syd swimming for the first time since it's been open. Most of my side of the family was there, and for some reason, when we first arrived I kept getting snippy at Scott. I think I even hit him (hardly..) with the pink pool noodle I begged him for from Walmart earlier that day. I honestly don't remember what the little trivial matters were that made me be a brat. I usually don't remember them, but they do happen (naturally), more often than I will remember. 

That being said, and having only been married a short 3.5 years, we have many more years to experience several more trivial as well as more significant issues, problems and trials that will teach us how to truly become that "perfect" that we aren't right now. Hitting people with noodles and being a brat is not a way to get there. BUT, Scott's way is. That's why I look up to him so much and why I'm learning so much from him,   literally every day, from one trivial matter to the next.

Scott's Way

Even before we were married, he told me he had the goal to be the best husband. A perfect husband. That's a little extreme and seemingly impossible, and I'm sure there are a lot of guys who say that, but even a midst our very obvious weaknesses, we still view each other as "perfect" because we see each other for who we are and what our potential is. We strive to help each other increase our potential and become a better husband, wife, and person.

Scott doesn't let my sometimes bratty behavior be a barrier in our progression together as a couple. And I stand in awe at his humility, forgiveness and his own daily repentance...even with the smallest matters. And more than just getting past the problems and issues of life, he creates the good things that happen. They don't just happen, people. 

Whenever we hear a sad story about a friend or a loved one's marriage gone sour or broken, he has this one  thing he always says to me, as if it's advice for our own relationship:

"You gotta keep the love alive!"

And so he does....even when I'm a brat...

  Need I say more?!

Speaking of weddings, Sydney loves to go into our closet and pick out my red wedding shoes and wear them. She's actually way good at walking in them. 

 She got to this point on the stairs before one finally fell off :)

She also tries to put her own pants on nowadays. She can't get past putting both legs through one hole, though. After this picture she wanted to try on more, which Scott ended up taking off before we left the house. He said he removed 7 pairs of pants, shorts, skirts and leggings. :) 

I have a few pictures on my phone from this past, very eventful Memorial Day weekend, but the majority of them I'll have to get from my sisters after work today, WHICH I am about to leave for the last time at this particular location. Until next time, when I have more pictures and stories from the holiday weekend!

In the meantime, here's a sneak preview. And please don't be shy! Please leave a comment! I'd love to to hear from anyone and everyone! :)

 

Happy Memorial Day!