Unfortunate News :/

*For all those who have been concerned about us the last few days and left wondering what's going on-Thank you! Thank you for your continued payers on our behalf- we wouldn't be the same without them! We love you and appreciate you!!
________________________________________________________________________________

The events of this week and the months to come are in all actuality more fortunate than unfortunate for our family and our growth as well as our ability to support others now and in the future. It is God's perfect plan for our family. 

However, prior to witnessing the windows of heaven crack open upon us the last few days, the only subject line I could come up with that seemed to satisfy the mortal mind for the mass email we sent out to family on Tuesday night was "Unfortunate News :/." 
I knew when I typed it that is was contradictory to what I felt deep down, that "unfortunate" was a poor word choice to describe this chapter in God's perfect plan for us. His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and his purposes are never unfortunate.


I taught a lesson in church a week ago during the 3rd hour in Relief Society, inspired by President Monson's most recent General Conference address: Finding Joy in the Journey. The main take away was that as we adapt to change, realize what matters most, and be grateful always, we gain a perspective, an eternal perspective through which we are able to find joy in the journey.


And so it was that as Sydney spoke these words during her prayer at lunch today, I am able to find joy in it, instead of sorrow.
I thought this would be a good way to introduce what happened. She is not referring to her brother Isaac here, by the way~


SYDNEY'S PRAYER:

"Dear Heavenly Father,

(this is where I started paying enough attention to remember exactly what she said..)

Thank you my mommy feels better and thank you that she will feel good. Thank you that my mommy closed her eyes at the doctor and they got the baby out who died, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen."

(me) "Thank you Sydney!!"

(Syd) "You’re definitely welcome!"

The most unusual aspect of this story which I am about to elaborate on, is definitely in the blessing to witness God's very hand in what is happening, and truly know it to be a blessing that we can apply to the rest of our lives. It is truly amazing, and I can't help but feel sincerely fortunate, to yet again experience and learn from our Heavenly Father. The number of times I have cried over the past few days have been far greater attributed to the love, blessings and miracles I have witnessed as the separation between the physical and spiritual worlds has become very thin. Though the so called "unfortunate news" itself and the difficulty that is still very real will require much patience as we wait in an earthly time period, we can move forward with faith in the process and the comfort from we receive from above.

TO THE POINT: 
I was 2 1/2 months pregnant- In September, we were finally going to bring a baby home for Sydney to grow up with. Through everything, she is getting so old! Having been through all we have in the last 2 years trying to bring another baby home (including losing Isaac) we were confident that this baby would come without any complications.

Tuesday's appointment was what we were waiting for before we told our families the much anticipated news. We had yet to tell a soul and were able to keep this exciting and releiving pregnancy a secret longer because I was passing my tiny baby bump off as a "post-partum belly" from Isaac 7 months ago.

It's an all too familiar story--the heartbeat I had just seen beating on the screen at my last appointment was now silently still on the monitor. However, it was more than a common miscarriage. From what they found in the ultrasound, it had more than likely been a rare partial molar pregnancy and I had to have a somewhat urgent and somewhat higher risk surgical procedure to remove the pregnancy. Because of potential tumor-like/cancerous risks that could remain from this type of pregnancy, we have to go through a waiting period of at least 6 months to a year before we can even start trying again. :(

Sad? Yes. Frustrating?? Absolutely. Grateful??? Always.

Sydney is a greater miracle to us every single day. The last 2 years has changed my relationship with her forever. I admire, respect and look up to her so much. She is a best friend of mine forever.
If I didn't have the foundation of trust with my Heavenly Father that I have, I would not know where to turn in difficult times, nor would I be able to have the perspective that I have. But when I turn to him, the blessing are there waiting for me to recognize them, and though I don't know the end from the beginning as He does, I am blessed with the faith and trust I need to endure it in patience, with the knowledge that I have been blessed to seek and find. As I search for answers I am blessed to grow from it along the way, be grateful for that painful growth, and find joy during those growing pains. They are always worth it because that is what we are here for--to grow and become more like Him so that we can return to Him, if that is what we choose.

Different seasons of life present different challenges, and it is the time and season of my life to be young and married, to bare children and grow a family. Many others struggle similarly or even worse. Other seasons of life will present other most difficult challenges, and we all go through challenges in different seasons. Knowing and understanding that God not only loves each of us deeply but is intimately involved in each of our lives helps us to more easily adapt to the changes that come, realize what matters most, and be grateful always, that we may find joy in the journey.


*I want so much to share a few amazing and incredible stories, realizations and miracles that we have come to know and witness in the last few days, but I don't feel that it is best to share them here at this time. Just know that God is extremely involved with the details of your life, that there are angels not only watching over us, but doing things for us constantly, and if you ask God to show you His hand in your life, He will show you in the way that is perfect for you and you will feel His love and purpose for you. It is incredible.*

*END*

_____________________________________________________________________________
*For my own records, the 2 letters we wrote our families are below, beginning with the most recent, and then the original one breaking the news.

FAMILY(and nearby friends) LETTERS:
After surgery update and a big THANK YOU!!!~

THIS ONE APPLIES TO SO MANY MORE THAN I COULD SEND THIS TO!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hey all :) 

Just wanted to send a quick update so y'all aren't left hangin- and also to thank everyone for your love and support and service to us!

 All went well today. I lost more blood than normal but not enough to need a transfusion. Came home a little lightheaded and a definite sore throat from the breathing tubes. I hope I sleep as well tonight as I did on that operating table- soo relaxing! 

Scott has been taking good care of me and we have some very wonderful angels down here in Galveston with us also taking care of us--between meals, watching sydney, flowers, gifts, cards, texts, calls, emails, prayers, even doing our dishes-!-other forms of service and love we have actually been quite spoiled with love and support. I cannot express enough gratitude for what that means for our hearts. We are so grateful for that support and know you are on the Lords errand in our behalf! You are angels and blessings to us. Thank you all again, those near and far for the love you have and more importantly the love you show. 

The six month count down doesn't  start until my hcg levels are back to 0 so that will take several weeks in and of itself, and only then does the 6 month wait begin. Unfortunately the weekly blood draws begin right away but we are grateful for them nonetheless! 

Thank you all for your continued prayers for patience through our understanding of Heavenly Fathers perfect plan. We love each of you!

Love,

Steph, Scott and Sydney :)




Unfortunate News ;/

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Hey family,  

It's been a little over a year since we found out and broke the news to you all about Isaac. It was and still is a long journey that we have so appreciated your support on. We have also appreciated all the many wonderful things we have learned and are learning--one of them, if not the most vital of them, being patience.

Lighting has struck again and Heavenly Father is once again asking for our patience, and faith, in his plan for our family. 

Scott and I found out on January 15th, the last day of our Walton Temple Miracle month that we were finally pregnant again. It was a miracle! That's 2 1/2 months pregnant...Due date: September 29th, just ONE DAY before Patty and Brian's baby's due date. :) 

We were confident in this pregnancy, and wanted to wait a little bit before telling anyone. I kept telling Scott it was going to be twins and then at my 2nd ultrasound, without knowing my mind about twins, the doctor wondered at the screen if she saw a twin. It was precious and heartwarming to see the little tiny beating heart and know that our baby was thriving. 

Ever since then, we have been waiting for the ultrasound of today to confirm twins or a singleton so we could finally break the exciting news to family and friends. Oh how often I have wanted to bring it up! Especially amidst all the morning sickness and fatigue, but I have done my very best at hiding it so that it could be an even more exciting surprise. 

However, when the doctor came in and put the ultrasound on my slightly bulging belly (which I was playing off as post partum belly from Isaac, cuz some of it probably still is!), she not only found that the baby's heart had stopped, but there were signs of something else. 

From the looks of the placenta on the ultrasound, we had a partial molar pregnancy, meaning there was the normal set of chromosomes from me and double from Scott giving the pregnancy as Scott put it, "trisomy everything." Because mutated tissue from this continues to build, and the risk of hemorrhaging is higher, I have to go in for a D and C so that I can pass this pregnancy in a controlled environment so that I won't bleed to death. 

In addition, once the D and C has taken place, Scott and I will not be able to try getting pregnant again for 6 months---I will have to go in weekly for blood draws in order to make sure my levels have gone down and that by 6 months all the tissues are gone. If the tissues remain, they can become cancer like, which is the reason we have the 6 month waiting period to monitor that. 

We have proven ourselves to beat the odds twice now-- first with Isaac and now with this partial molar pregnancy, which means maybe both Scott and I should get tested for potential answers on why we had 2 chromosomal abnormalities in a row--(though both can happen by chance to anyone). It's crazy that we had both happen.  

The doctor said there is still about a 40% chance that it was a normal pregnancy, and if so, that would be less concerning, but still there is no way of knowing until the D and C, which I will be put under for and will occur in the OR. A D and C of a partial molar pregnancy also poses its own potential higher risks for complications. 

I think the most frustrating thing for us is....frustration. Growing our family is something that continues to progess and then get frustrated..at least in the eyes of our mortal minds. Really, these experiences are building our family in different, spiritual ways, rather than physically. That, I am most grateful for..

I don't have a very good track record recently so who knows once it's time again how long it will take after that time. It's now been 7 months since Isaac was born and I thought that was an eternity away when the doctor suggested we wait 3-6 months. 6 months before that was an eternity away as we awaited Isaac's due date. And 8 months before that was the miscarriage. Since then, it's been two years, and now we have at least another 6 month wait. I never would have imagined that Sydney would have to wait 5+ years until we brought a sibling home for her to play with. She only got to play with Isaac through the womb, but we never got to bring him home otherwise. It breaks my heart for her, but know that it's Heavenly Father's plan for her too. 

I guess the biggest way to help right now would be to pray for the D and C to go well, pray for all other risks to be minimized, and especially for patience as we wait to build and try to build up our family. If we have to wait a lifetime to be with Isaac again, we can wait however many more months or years more until we are blessed with another little angel in our home--but it can't come soon enough!!!!!!! (<----see?? impatient!!) :) 

Heavenly Father has a beautiful plan for our family, but some of the points along the way seem so brutal emotionally and that is why we need patience as the plan unfolds. 

Patience is my take away from everything. I already trust in The Lord 100%, it's just patience that is and always will be key in this mortal life with our limited understanding. But that's what faith is; Trust in god's perfect plan as we follow Him, though we don't see the end from the beginning here and now.   

I love to hear from you too- I know I can count on hearing from some specific individuals in the family but please know that it is my personality to openly talk about things- I always love to talk about Isaac and I love to talk about life and Heavenly Fathers plan etc etc and I love to hear what others have in their hearts too so please, reach out openly as well as in prayer and it will always be a beautiful experience!! 

We love you all and are grateful for each of you! 

Thank you for all you do and all you mean to us.

❤️--always and forever. 

Steph and Scott 

And then there were FOUR... :)

Our

FAMILY

will be

growing

2 FEET

this August

2013

:)

In reality, 

those 2 feet are already growing, 

and I've seen them about 3 times now

through ultrasound. :)

Due date is August 20th :)

Do you remember that tiny little prayer of Sydney's that I posted at the beginning of December?

I wrote nothing else, 

just the best replication of Sydney's prayer from night

that I could recall with Scott's help. 

During that prayer, 

Scott and I were just cracking up (silently and...reverently? of course), 

because it was just too cute and so funny- the way kids' minds work, and how precious, pure and innocent they are. 

That is why I recorded her prayer. To remember that. 

I am brought back to her prayer (<--Click there to read it) that night because

she thanked Heavenly Father a couple of times 

"for baby."

2 days later, we found out that we were at long last,

pregnant again.

We announced the 2nd pregnancy in a creative way like we did with Sydney's. But because my 2nd pregnancy didn't last, I was hesitant. 

We still told our families just as early because we wanted their support and mostly their prayers that this pregnancy would "hold on." We didn't make a big announcement of it, mostly just told everyone on our own time, as it came up, one by one. And that's how I started telling my friends too- just in conversation. 

I just recently posted it to FB.

It was slightly depressing not being able to be fully confident in it.

I felt bad (on behalf of this child) that I didn't feel comfortable announcing in a fun, and creative way. I felt bad, and guilty for not having a full amount of faith that this pregnancy would last.

There is still a small percentage of that "risk" that I before felt was so high. But I am less and less hesitant with each day that passes and I would say that more so than not, I am confident now. :)

3 months down, and i've heard the heartbeat  and seen the baby on a few different occasions, moving, heart beating. That has been comforting, but I think what's been most comforting is the "Disheartening Effects of Pregnancy." 

Confused???

So was I....but

now it all makes sense. 

And I have found

complete comfort in it. 

I keep a more personal journal, in my daily scripture study journal. Here is my entry from back in December, just days after finding out about this 3rd pregnancy:

Tuesday, Dec. 11, 2012
I’ve really been thinking hard since last night about the word “disheartening” in reguards to pregnancy and trying to make sense of it in a positive way- in a way that doesn’t end in the loss of another pregnancy. Scott gave me a preisthood blessing last night that was very discouraging to me. It wasn’t the typical positive, everything is going to be fine and you will be blessed for all to go smoothly-kind of a blessing. He kept mentioning that I would be blessed with patience, that I will find peace and comfort in the disheartening effects of pregnancy. He said through the gift of discernment that I’d be able to understand what Heavenly Father is trying to tell me. H e blessed me to understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. It wasn’t very dissimilar from the blessing Scott gave me just before I found out I had miscarried. Anyway, it was the least comforting blessing I’ve ever gotten. I was crying through the entire thing and was so confused and let down and sad the short rest of the evening until we fell asleep. I woke up in a similar, down way. I woke up early and went running inside the gym since it was a cold morning. The tv show that was on when I got on the treadmill was about pregnancies and babies and their families. The first, being triplets. It made me feel better to see some positive story of pregnancy. I have felt better since then, almost normal, but still, a lot LESS EXCITED. I feel like I should just be counting down the hours until I start to bleed. Or what if there is defect the baby has once it’s born? I don’t know what that blessing meant last night, I’m trying to “discern” it for myself and as I do, I find myself trying to think of positive meanings in it. Maybe the disheartining times of pregancy are when I’m moody, when I’m impatient with Sydney, whem I’m feeling sick or uncomfortable. Maybe pregnancy will be worse for me this time. I sure hope it’s the latter and nothing worse. I have a dr. appointment on Thursday for the baby- Just my first prenatal. THey will check my levels and hopefully I will have good news. We definitely aren’t telling anyone (except Michelle bc she knows everything..) and when/if we do get to tell, it won’t be until we are in town at Christmas time-which in only a couple weeks away. By then I will be 7 or 8 weeks along. That’s more than I made it to last time- I was just a day shy of being 6 weeks when I miscarried back in June.

HERE is what I learned, and how I have found comfort and peace in the disheartening times of pregnancy-NOT during, but literally in, or beacause of, the disheartening times of pregnancy...

(again, an entry from my personal scripture study journal)

Thursday, December 13, 2012
There is something very cool I learned about faith when listening to a recent General Conference talk: When we FEAR, we are UNDERMINING our FAITH in GOD. That is to say, we don’t completely trust Him or have faith in His plan. Of COURSE I COMPLETELY trust him- SOOOOO as long as I’m doing MY best to be righteous, no matter what is goin on in my life, I can know that it is for my good and NOT FEAR, KNOWING, not fearing, that GOD KNOWS BEST.

That being said, I would like to study faith today:

-Luke 12:  28 If then God so clothe the grass, which is to day in the field, and to morrow is cast into the oven; how much more will he clothe you, O ye of little faith?
-THIS RELATES to me and my fear with this pregnancy. My Fear has definitely diminished as it did from when Scott gave me that blessing and I felt so scared afterward. Heavenly Father is trying to make me practice my FAITH in Him, that EVEN IF things are going to turn out fine, He is not always going to just tell me in a blessing. I need to have FAITH in that without being TOLD like I was with Sydney's pregnacy. 

Heavenly father told me in the blessing that through the gift of discernment, I would beable to know what He was telling me.

Immediately following the blessing, I felt like I was being told I was going to miscarry again. NOW, I am beginning to realize, or discern what He was really trying to tell me.

I think He wants me to practice my FAITH in HIM without seeking a blessing in which I’m told “all will go smoothly.” I can’t be that spoiled everytime, I guess, right? “Disheartening” times in pregnancy are those times in which I worry, about me, about the baby, about anything related, but He blessed me to feel comfort and peace and I think I’m blessed to feel those things THROUGH my FAITH! NOT by being straight up TOLD that all will be ok. My FAITH that all WILL be ok (no matter the outcome), and because I know that, I’m comoforted when something comes up or when I’m sick or when something isn’t perfect. This is SO much better than just KNOWING. I feel like I”m accomplishing something and becoming a better person. THANKS HEAVENLY FATHER!!!!! :):):):):):):):):):)
Hearing this scripture (below) was a good start to learning this, and being told twice, two days in a row now:

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the word giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” - John 14:27

*Also, If I wouldn’t have had my scripture study today, or yesterday for that matter, I wouldn’t be able to figure out this knowledge and feel at peace and feel accomplished and everthing else I feel after this great revelation. I COULD still be in the dark, be extra anxious, worried, and filled with fear like I was...but I’m NOT.

Since December 11th and 13th, when I wrote those two journal entries, I have experienced almost 2 months of consistent "morning" sickness. This pregnancy has been quite different, a lot more sickness, tiredness, short of breath-ness, etc. and all of that a lot earlier on. I experienced next to none of this until the last month or so of Sydney's pregnancy. 

THESE "DISHEARTENING" or discouraging, painful, or annoying symptoms are comforting to me BECAUSE IT MEANS 

I'M STILL PREGNANT!!!! 

And THAT is how I find comfort IN the disheartening times of pregnancy. 

God is so awesome! 

The knowledge I gain through  Him through scripture study and prayer is so awesome! 

I don't know how people live without the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I'm so grateful for the truth I've been blessed with and for my testimony- to KNOW, and experience it's truth. 

All I have to do is seek it, and live it, and I am blessed by it. 

An overdue THANK YOU

This is far overdue, but as I said in the last post, and as you keep reading in this one, there are reasons it's overdue. I want to thank everyone who reached out to me in various ways after the blog post about my recent pregnancy. It was very helpful to have that support and it was good to know so many care! So thank you, even just for reading my blog and listening to what I had to say. Just like it took a little courage to write that blog post, I know it takes courage to reach out in uncomfortable situations so thanks for your courage and kind words, no matter how they came- even if they only came to me through your prayers. I sure felt them~


HOUSE UPDATE
Not to be cliche' or anything, but Wow, life is sure a RoLLeR cOasTer for Scott and I right now, a very tall one with STEEP drop offs. At first I'm pregnant, then I'm not. At first we're buying a home, and now we may not be. There is a lot that's going into it and hopefully by the end of today we'll have more answers, but when everything's said and done, hopefully we'll still end up getting to live in this cute little house that we found on Galveston Island, only 1/2 a mile from UTMB campus.

Because we are going to be SO close to campus, we've decided to sell our Honda Civic. (Click here for more info). We just put the ad up yesterday and have had several calls already. I have high hopes that it should go fast, but you never know- this may be another high point in this coaster that we're on where the next direction is down again. That seems to be the trend with anything good happening in our lives right now. BUT, that is the logic of a puny, pessimistic and temoral perspective.
I KNOW everything will work out; Our home, our future baby/s, selling our car. As I see how things are coming together, not as I would have them but as God would, I can see how His perspective of our past, present, and FUTURE are determining how His hand is playing in our lives today. I didn't want to sell our 2nd car, but if we kept it, it would sit in our driveway eating up insurance money and depreciating in value until it's time to upgrade to a family size car in a few years anyway. Over the last few months Scott has gotten a free bike, and a free moped, and we've found a place to live only 1/2 mile from campus. Also, we need the $3000 that the car is worth to help us with some of the upfront costs of buying a house. It's all coming together and it all is making sense.

At this time, I'm going to keep my mouth shut as far as what is happening with the house because things can and have been changing like THAT and I don't want to speak too soon before I know the outcome. But however it does work out, the point is that it WILL work out. And when it all comes together, I will be able to see why it did work out the way it did and why it's for the best for us.

As far as the ups of this roller-coaster, I have lot's of PICTURES to post from the last 2 weeks of being MIA- from our trip to Texas/Galveston, to being a mom of twins for a week to the Color Run etc.. but I'm going to create a separate post for all that fun stuff starting now..

THANKS AGAIN!

I was pregnant...

Yes. I was. You would have gotten a much different announcement of it in a few more weeks.

We announced this one to our family just this past Friday with this video:

Two days later, I miscarried.

Everything went perfect with Syd; pregnancy and birth. We expected it to be the same the 2nd time around. It was. We got pregnant right away again, just as we hoped for. To me, that meant another perfect pregnancy.

Scott felt different about it. From the beginning he suspected something was not right. He just had a weird feeling. He wouldn't even completely believe the pregnancy tests until the 3rd positive.

I on the other hand, wasn't even concerned with things you hear about like the dangers of miscarriage. I was with Syd- I think that just comes with the territory of first-time moms-to-be, and because it was so smooth the first time, I was too relaxed about that possibility this time.

When I went in to the doctor on Monday, he made it very clear to me that no matter what the results were, "There is nothing you did to make this happen." 1 in 6 pregnancies end up in miscarriages; it's a natural part of reproduction, and to most women, they never even know they were pregnant; they think it is nothing more than a late period. But I knew better.

I was worried Sunday when it began, and even after the doctor told me he was concerned on Monday, I held my ground. I was let down,  bummed, a little embarrassed even, but I was prepared to accept that we'd lost this baby.

I'm not one to break down very often. I did break down, Monday night, after Scott gave me a priesthood blessing for comfort. We were to get my blood test results back the next day, but I already knew the outcome.  It was then that I let loose and everything became a reality. I learned that I was to rely on my husband who wants to be so much a part of everything in my life, and also that I'd learn more deeply the Plan of Salvation by experiencing it myself. Hearing that was all I needed to know.

Then I cried for the next day and a half. It was literally out of my control, the fact that I cried. This is the weird part, the part I didn't expect. The best way I can explain it, is that mentally, I had accepted it and I was fine and ready to move on. I was grateful it happened earlier on in pregnancy and not later. I knew that it happened for a reason and somehow it was probably a blessing in disguise, if nothing more than to make my character stronger and more sympathetic toward others. Mentally, I didn't need to mourn like I would if it had been Sydney instead, But it was as if my body and spirit were mourning beyond my control. I could literally feel my body and spirit mourning for me and I'd cry and not know why; I'd just cry and want to go lay down or just be still and not move.

In honor of that sweet spirit that we didn't get to meet in this life, I write this post, and for some reason I haven't been able to focus on much until I've written this. Getting things in writing has always provided some sort of closure for me. We are fine and feel very blessed. I look at Sydney as more of a miracle than I did before and I know that feeling will be the same with each little miracle that gets to join our little family. Now that saying is no longer a cliche', it's a reality. Children really are miracles!

 I got this in a fortune cookie on Monday night- it was very fitting and cute; a tender mercy. 

We will get our "moment" some day!