Flowers in the Mail

I wasn't aware of the significance of today 

until this box came in the mail this afternoon.

 I felt special as I walked back home holding it because I knew what was inside and who had sent them--but I didn't know why. 

When I opened the box- I was caught off guard.

It wasn't because of the flowers themselves, but because of what they began to stand for as I read the accompanying note. 

I am touched.

Happy 3 month Birthday, Isaac!

We sure love you :)

And I sure love you, Scott. 
Thank you :)

Dear Isaac: A letter to Heaven, and the World - PART IV - "Time" Concludes

Part IV of IV

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

PART IV of IV- "Time" Concludes
Click Here for Part III of IV

I once believed this "bitter cup" that was set before us would be swallowed up in the miraculous healing of our son. 
Now, I recognize the blessing of a greater opportunity. We are blessed to build a brighter faith, gain a stronger hope and achieve a more glorious work as we actively take part in creating miracles of our own doing. Living a life committed to the gospel so that I will witness the literal healing and raising up of my baby boy, will be of the greatest miracles along the way.


Until then, Isaac is our little missionary, helping us bring about miracles within ourselves but more importantly, to others. As his mother, I am proud to let him Serve the Lord for however long we are to be apart. 

Before Isaac's grave was filled with earth,
Scott laid down the favorite tie from his own 2-year mission in
honor of that same work Isaac is doing on the other side.

If through Isaac's story, we are able to bring one soul to Jesus Christ, then the sacrifice Scott, Sydney, Isaac and I endure in this life is worth it--that another may be made "alive" in Christ.

We all must have this opportunity to hear the Gospel before our Savior will come again, before we all (the dead and the living--everyone) can be together again, alive in the flesh, alive in Christ.

Each of our spirits will find permanent residence in the bodies we came to this earth to claim for all eternity. They will be perfected, glorified, immortalized, never to be separated from them again. This is so, that we may receive a fullness of joy surrounded by those we love as well as the one who loves us most--forever learning, growing and progressing that we may one day be as He is and have all that He has. This, is a fullness of joy. This is what God wants for each of us. This, is the purpose of our Savior, and this is His work and His glory: the immortality and eternal life of man. I bare strong testimony of it and declare that with any struggle we meet in this life, big or small, self-inflicted or imposed upon us, we can turn to our Savior and find strength, peace and comfort to endure it, learn from it, grow from it, and become more like Him through it. We are given time here on earth for this very purpose. What a gift.

And so I leave off where I began, months ago before Isaac's short life ended. It was truth then and it is truth now...

"If I look at the past, present and future as one eternal truth as God does, what I see is my family- Me, Scott, Sydney, Isaac, our future children and grandchildren, the family that came before us and those who will come after us- together. That vision will be reality, in the blink of an eye. In some sense, it already is reality. I don’t doubt that Isaac will act as a guardian angel for our family as we dwell here on earth, and I don’t doubt that our ancestors and our future children are already acting as our guardian angels. But there will come a time when we will literally be with them again, all together, all made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ, through His atonement and the great Plan of Salvation.

"As for the time being, I still cry at times; But more than the tears that drip down my cheeks is the amount of gratitude that I have for being given this marvelous opportunity to experience this pain and sorrow, that we may come to know and experience true joy coupled with tremendous faith, comfort and the invaluable opportunity to share the gospel.

I am forever grateful for all the blessings that continue to guide us through this experience--through this life.

It always was and still is only a matter of time and what we do with it--while we still have it. Individually, time will conclude for each of us, until the day when Christ comes and time as we know it, will conclude for all. 

He will then come to reign with peace and happiness. As brothers and sisters who made the choice pre-mortally to come to this earth to learn, grow and return back home, let us work together, prepare the way for our Savior and partake of the goodness and glory that will be ours as we live His gospel and share it with others. We are one big eternal family, all of us, and it will not be home without every one of us there. Let us each hasten the work before our time concludes, that our eternal life, God's greatest gift, may begin.



*To learn more about the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, CLICK HERE, or contact me :). THANK YOU FOR READING!

*I definitely have further plans to for Isaac's story- as his story will never end (and there is much yet to share)- but I take a break from it for now. 
It's been a while since I've written a "normal" update on my blog about our day-to-day lives. There sure is a lot to catch up on!! I want Sydney to remember what she was like at this stage in her life and so for our own sake, I will continue to write about our daily, normal lives. As always, thank you for reading and please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions at all! I love talking to people about the Gospel, about anything, and about life. :)

Dear Isaac: A letter to Heaven, and the World - PART III - The Letter

Part III of IV

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

PART III of IV- The Letter
Click Here for Part II of IV

In the last few months of his life, every member of Isaac's extended family wrote individual letters directly to him. There are 47 letters in total. Some were handwritten, some typed up, and many were accompanied by photos and drawings. These treasured, heartfelt letters were bound together in a book entitled "Letters for Isaac." Scott and I had no idea until this priceless book arrived in the mail the day of Isaac's memorial service. It now stands in the corner of our living room next to the three red chests holding items Isaac claimed in his short sojourn in "time." As his mother, I too have a letter for Isaac--a letter that stands for the truth I carry in my heart--truth that will lead me back to him. Not only have I held this letter in my heart for the several months before his birth, but for every month ahead I will continue to add upon it by the way I live my life and share my life with others.

Dear Isaac,
I write this letter as a reflection of the truth burning within my heart. I hope that reflection is as bright as the faith I have come to possess in it and emits even just a fraction of the warmth of our Savior's love. His love is the source from such burning truths.
When you were here with us, you were "Baby Isaac," but from the moment I knew you were gone, you were "Isaac." I could sense the largeness of your fully grown and mature spirit during those moments of comfort at the hospital, and I hope that one day my spirit grows to be as mature as yours is.

Thank you, Isaac. Thank you for your strong example. Thank you for all that you were before you came to our family, all that you are now and all that you are becoming. Thank you for doing your part in His great work. We love you for everything you contribute. I have gained a much closer relationship with my Father in Heaven, found a greater love and appreciation for others, and have now found an even greater purpose and deeper desire to become a better person because of you and because of Heavenly Father's blessing us with you.

I hope to share with others, through you, truth that I have come to know through my life, but especially through this lifelong experience with you. You have enabled me for the rest of my life to testify without shame or fear of man the glorious, beautiful, hopeful and joyful truths that I know are true.  I want others to have what we have. We have been blessed with something invaluable and we must share it!

God sure knew what he was doing when he sent you to us, and especially when he took you back. He knew all the many perfect impacts your life and departure would have on our family and even others. We sure miss you and often wish you could be here with us, but we know that through our Savior, that time is only "time" away. I am so grateful to know God was and is always in complete control. His allowing your departure to happen so soon is a perfect plan for us. It is a refiner's fire worth submitting to. The greatest blessings often come with the most difficult sacrifices, but it is worth it! Through all the ups and downs, I know that the greatest blessings are yet to come, surpassing all magnitudes of our pain and sacrifice.

Thank you Isaac, for your sacrifice- for yours may be far greater than ours. Your willingness to subject your perfect spirit to an imperfect body and forego the joys of this mortal life is teaching others the greater joy of eternal life. 

We are all blessed because of you.

As I think of the most significant way to bless your sweet spirit, Isaac, I imagine it would be to help you from this side of the veil to accomplish the work Heavenly Father has for us. We will be your best teammates from "this side" in helping to hasten the work.  we are determined to do what it takes to return and be with Him again, and therefore with you and every one of God's children that chooses to return to Him. The drive for our doing just that is our testimony. I bare that testimony, to you and to all who will hear it, that the only way for true happiness in this life and a fullness of joy in the next, is through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. His truth has been restored in its fullness in these latter days through the Prophet Joseph Smith.

Our Father would not leave us here without a way back to Him, and that path is by living His gospel. He is keenly aware of each and every one of us and he waits with outstretched hands to help us back to Him. I know because I reached back and have been so touched by them. He is there and he answers prayers. His love is as real as our experience with you. It is unconditional, incomprehensible and I have gained a much stronger and personal conviction of that as I've drawn nearer to Him through you. His plan is perfect, and we can become like Him if we do what it takes to get to know Him and return to Him. With this as my focus, I likewise will get to return and be with you again, Isaac.

We miss out only in our temporary separation but we are gaining so much more and will receive all and more that we miss here and now. We just have to be patient and wait upon the Lord.

Your precious body still needs to be raised to the full stature of your spirit, and your father and I will have that privilege. Even what we are now doing for Syd we will do for you after the resurrection, except our joy, pleasure, and satisfaction will be a far greater joy than we can possibly have in mortality because we will be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and we will know more than we can know in this life. This is a reality because of the eternal family we are through a temple marriage that seals us together forever.

This is the true Gospel of Jesus Christ and by it and through it we have every hope! My testimony of this gospel is the most precious possession I hold, and the most precious thing I can share. Why else would I write my departed son a letter based solely on this? IT IS TRUE. It is precious, and it is necessary for the true happiness of each of us.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way back to Him and to each each other for eternity. There is no greater joy than eternal life.

I know that you are anxiously engaged in a good cause, Isaac, and all the while, you are constantly looking down at us. I know these things because it has been given me to know these things in more ways than one. I am excited to likewise be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and together in our world of mortality and your world of the eternities, we will help hasten the Work.

I love you, Isaac. I am grateful for the sacrifices we are able to make for each other that we may each progress in our own sphere until the day we can be together again. I look forward to the day you will return to our arms and we will get to raise you up unto the Lord, as promised. Until then, thank you Isaac, for raising me up unto the Lord. I am forever grateful for you and to you.

Love you always and forever,
Mom

Part IV- The last of this four part post will be published on November 4, 2013

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World - PART II - Hastening the Work

Part II of IV

*About this post: 

The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- and posted over the course of 4 days. describe tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle and dedication over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

Part II of IV- Hastening the Work
Click Here for Part I of IV

Just two days after we buried our baby boy, in a most crucial time of need and direction, the most powerful and impactful words of my life came to my rescue. Drifting from the lips of the one I hold most dear, the eight simple words my husband spoke penetrated my heart and excited my soul. More than being of great comfort, these words were powerfully motivating. Coupled with so sacred an experience, I was and am forever moved into action because of them. 

I had been in the back room, the location of much searching, pondering and praying. I found myself doing those very things when an extremely intense desire and longing for home overcame me. I so desperately wanted to be there. I've always been comfortable here, always felt very "at home" on this earth with those I love, but for the first time, I literally felt the reality of my pre-mortal and post-mortal home. I don't know where those feelings came from since I am unable to recall by sight this place which I so longed to be, but I could certainly recall the feeling of it.  As I longed to dwell forever in that feeling, it was as if I was remembering it--miraculously recalling things I once knew that had long left my memory.

I sobbed as I tried to make sense of these feelings, explaining to Heavenly Father that "I want so badly to be where He is. I want to be home again." My feelings were so intense that I would have been ok with being taken up then and there. Then, in that instant, I thought of Scott; and Sydney.


 I thought of my family here, including, friends, acquaintances and others. I realized how each and every one that remains here on this earth is so incredibly special, just as Isaac is. I am so lucky to be here with so many wonderful others.
During my heartfelt prayer, I was calmed and comforted with the reassurance of my purpose here, right now, and the joy I may still experience here, even though the greatest of which incomprehensible joy I will look forward to experiencing there, according to how I live my life here.

Realizing the incredible worth of Isaac's soul, and understanding Heavenly Father's love for each individual soul, I began to grasp again and hold tight to the honor and privilege it is for me to be here on this earth at this time with these other children of his, my spirit brothers and sisters. I found a refreshed love for complete strangers--knowing where they too came from and where their spirits too ultimately long to return. I enjoy people more who I have been blessed to be here with at this time, and care less about temporal things. I am happier.  

Knowing the worth that it is for my spirit to continue occupying a body at this time, experiencing, learning and progressing, and that disembodied spirits do not live in the presence of God but await that time in the spirit world for the resurrection when their spirits will permanently reunite with their perfected and glorified bodies-- without the presence of both God and Isaac, and everyone else, it would not be home. 

As I told Scott of this experience, I mentioned that the only way for us all to be together, again in the presence Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, is for something already in the works. Our Father in Heaven, the literal Father of all our spirits, also wants us to return home to Him, so he created a way for us through His son, our Savior and brother, Jesus Christ. He broke the bands of death that we all may live again as He does, resurrected, glorified, and perfected. At his Second Coming, those who have passed through the gate of death into the spirit world, will rise up again from their graves, spirit and perfected body, never to be separated again.  Through His gospel, families, who have made and kept sacred covenants will also be reunited in the flesh, NEVER TO BE SEPARATED again!

"So I guess what I'm trying to say," I related to Scott, "is that I really want the Second Coming to come!" His reply were those eight simple words: 


"Well," he acknowledged, "we need to help hasten the work." 


To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man, is His work and His glory. We will help hasten it by spreading the restored gospel to every kindred, tongue and people, that each may learn and choose to make and keep sacred covenants that will merit them eternal life--or a life forever as eternal families in the presence of God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, in never-ending happiness.

"Isaac can be our motivation to be better missionaries, to live good lives, [in order] to help hasten the work," Scott went on to say.

To do our part in this great work, God planted within our hearts, through Isaac, a deep desire for this Second Coming to come to pass. We want to be with Iasaac again, in the flesh, 

and have the honor of raising his body to the full stature of his beautiful spirit after the resurrection. We want to live together as a family forever and to be in the presence of our Savior and Father for eternity in peace and happiness. This is why through my pregnancy with Isaac, Heavenly Father allowed my faith to grow incredibly and to keep believing in miracles, because although we did see many along the way and still do, the greatest is yet to come, when Isaac will not only be healed, but resurrected and perfected, as well as everyone who ever walked the face of this earth. This is why I need more faith than I had attained before he died, and I will work for the rest of my life to obtain that faith because through it and by it I will too not only witness it, but partake of it myself- the greatest miracle, the greatest gift God has to give, immortality and eternal life. 

We each play a part in Heavenly Father's plan. Isaac didn't need to stay in this mortal sphere of existence to fulfill his purpose, and he works now in another sphere in greater ways, given the capacities of a spirit.

Isaac gave up his time in mortality so that he may do a greater, more glorious work. I, on the other hand, am still in time, and I will honor Isaac with my time, as I do for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As if our lives were not already committed to a life of living the gospel by word and deed, our commitment is now ushered by determination, desire, and destiny--It is our part of "the work." 

Together, with Isaac in the spiritual sphere and us in the mortal sphere, and by the power of the spirit, we will help hasten the work, together. Isaac is more than our guardian angel, he is our teammate. And so I speak to him by heart in my letter to Isaac.

Part III- The Letter, will be posted on November 3, 2013

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World - PART I - Eternal Answers

*About this post: 
The contents of this entry are broken up into 4 parts- posted over the course of 4 days.  Each describes tender moments very close to my heart and are of great worth and significance to me. I share them out of gratitude for my angel son, Isaac, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven for the priceless wisdom and insights this experience has and will provide me for the rest of my life, and so to others. I wrote these things (and much more besides) with much struggle, dedication and tears over the course of nearly three months. As the most sacred and most beautiful experience of my life, it is my great privilege and honor to share these things with any and all who read it.
______________________________________________________
Please Note: I will continue (where applicable) typing a small paragraph at the top about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories regarding Isaac. The "real" posts will begin immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

How we are really doing:

-Sydney- is great. Her faith is pure like a child's faith should be. She has never shed a tear about Isaac, though she has watched me shed many and has comforted me more times than I have needed to comfort her. She knows that "Baby Isaac is not a baby anymore- he's a big boy now in Heaven." "His body is hiding in the box but he is with Heavenly Father," and "When Jesus comes again, he's going to take Isaac's body out of the box and hand him to me and I can hold him and he will smile at me!" To her, it's completely normal, and she is completely happy with it. That is how it should be for us all- because like God's plan for us, it is perfect!

-Scott- is busy. He is also a very soft spoken soul, so I do check in with him about "how he's doing." I can detect his "moments" every now and again. I know he lets himself stay focused elsewhere because when he thinks about Isaac he thinks of "what could have been." He really wanted to get to spend some time with Isaac, but we both know it's not really "what could have been," but "what WILL BE." We just have to be patient. For the most part, he is fantastic at making the best of "what we've been dealt" and moving forward all the while. Serving others has always been a good way for him to know he's "in a good place," in life, and I would say that he is in a very good place.

-I- am grateful. I know it is all worth it. However, I would be lying if I said Isaac's separation hasn't been the most difficult on me, and the most life-changing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was several weeks before a single day passed that I didn't shed a tear. Most days are happy, but there are definitely moments that no matter how hard I try to make the choice not to, the tears just come anyway. Other times, I welcome the tears--occasionally it feels good to cry it out.

Overall, I can finally feel the jagged edges of the lifelong scar left on my heart smoothing out with the passage of time-but I don't believe it is the passage of time since his death that makes the difference, but rather the dwindling of time remaining with each passing day until I am with him again. For that reason alone, every day is more promising than the last, even if it's a tearful one. 

Isaac's story: Post 7

Click here for Post 6

DEAR ISAAC: A Letter to Heaven, and the World

Hopeful Truths Gained From a Most Scared, Eternal Experience

Published 3 months postpartum

Part I of IV- Eternal Answers

When I was in grade school, I wrote a poem for which I received an award. The topic was centered around these three all-encompassing questions: 

"Where did I come from? 

Why am I here? 

Where am I going after I die?" 

Through the fullness of the Gospel, I was taught the answers to these at a young age, but in reality, experience has proved more valuable in determining the level at which I believe them.

Our incredible journey with Isaac has forever engrained into my soul the truthfulness of the answers to these three questions. Not only do I believe, but through Isaac, I have experienced bits and pieces of their absolute truth.

I cannot describe the feelings that overpowered my being, as I held Isaac's lifeless body in my arms for the first time. The peculiar, yet peaceful silence we encountered just after delivery was broken by the only words that so powerfully overwhelmed my emotions. Staring down at those closed eyes and drooping jaw, which Isaac had so recently occupied, I proclaimed through streaming tears, "I am so happy for him!"  

All avenues of communication prove unworthy to describe that sacred moment, but when that light entered my own soul and overwhelming comfort was bursting within and around me as I peered down at my precious baby's body, I knew Isaac himself was right beside me.  I cannot adequately explain, but I had never experienced anything more sure in my life. It was real. Though I could not see him, his spirit was so tangible that I felt for a time like I myself was out of this world, like I had entered his new one. It seemed to me distantly familiar and was the most beautiful experience of my life. I do not dare try and describe it further, for all forms of human communication are completely and utterly insufficient to do so. 

The immense happiness, peace, and comfort I experienced was overwhelming--too much so for my mortal shell to contain for long. So, both fortunately and unfortunately, those sacred and powerful moments eased up over the next several hours as we kept Isaac and his body with us in that sacred room at the end of the hall. 

When we finally gave them permission to take his body, I believe Isaac himself stuck around for a bit. His presence kept me from crying as I stepped in to help the nurse who was struggling to wrap up his body before they wheeled it away. From his spirit to mine, I felt proof and have felt it since, that he did not go off down the hall with that cart, nor did he go four feet under with that tiny, white casket three days later.

Instead, he now occupies a greater, more glorious sphere, anxiously engaged in a good cause, unseen and unheard.

I have struggled incredibly over the past few months to write the contents of my soul,  which have matured to ever-greater heights since Isaac's existence here on earth "reached its climax." But it has not. That moment has not yet come. This experience has been merely a jumpstart for the incomprehensible faith I will need later in my own existence; Faith necessary to one day witness for myself not only the eventual climax of Isaac's continuing existence, but something much bigger than Isaac and our little family, and something much, much greater.

Part II will be posted on November 2, 2013