Thursday, June 14, 2012

I was pregnant...

Yes. I was. You would have gotten a much different announcement of it in a few more weeks.

We announced this one to our family just this past Friday with this video:

Two days later, I miscarried.

Everything went perfect with Syd; pregnancy and birth. We expected it to be the same the 2nd time around. It was. We got pregnant right away again, just as we hoped for. To me, that meant another perfect pregnancy.

Scott felt different about it. From the beginning he suspected something was not right. He just had a weird feeling. He wouldn't even completely believe the pregnancy tests until the 3rd positive.

I on the other hand, wasn't even concerned with things you hear about like the dangers of miscarriage. I was with Syd- I think that just comes with the territory of first-time moms-to-be, and because it was so smooth the first time, I was too relaxed about that possibility this time.

When I went in to the doctor on Monday, he made it very clear to me that no matter what the results were, "There is nothing you did to make this happen." 1 in 6 pregnancies end up in miscarriages; it's a natural part of reproduction, and to most women, they never even know they were pregnant; they think it is nothing more than a late period. But I knew better.

I was worried Sunday when it began, and even after the doctor told me he was concerned on Monday, I held my ground. I was let down,  bummed, a little embarrassed even, but I was prepared to accept that we'd lost this baby.

I'm not one to break down very often. I did break down, Monday night, after Scott gave me a priesthood blessing for comfort. We were to get my blood test results back the next day, but I already knew the outcome.  It was then that I let loose and everything became a reality. I learned that I was to rely on my husband who wants to be so much a part of everything in my life, and also that I'd learn more deeply the Plan of Salvation by experiencing it myself. Hearing that was all I needed to know.

Then I cried for the next day and a half. It was literally out of my control, the fact that I cried. This is the weird part, the part I didn't expect. The best way I can explain it, is that mentally, I had accepted it and I was fine and ready to move on. I was grateful it happened earlier on in pregnancy and not later. I knew that it happened for a reason and somehow it was probably a blessing in disguise, if nothing more than to make my character stronger and more sympathetic toward others. Mentally, I didn't need to mourn like I would if it had been Sydney instead, But it was as if my body and spirit were mourning beyond my control. I could literally feel my body and spirit mourning for me and I'd cry and not know why; I'd just cry and want to go lay down or just be still and not move.

In honor of that sweet spirit that we didn't get to meet in this life, I write this post, and for some reason I haven't been able to focus on much until I've written this. Getting things in writing has always provided some sort of closure for me. We are fine and feel very blessed. I look at Sydney as more of a miracle than I did before and I know that feeling will be the same with each little miracle that gets to join our little family. Now that saying is no longer a cliche', it's a reality. Children really are miracles!

 I got this in a fortune cookie on Monday night- it was very fitting and cute; a tender mercy. 

We will get our "moment" some day!



10 comments :

  1. So sorry for your loss! I've been there--the day before thanksgiving last year. There is a mourning and healing process, and the grief comes and goes. Some days are better than others. Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks Casey. That's how it goes for sure...I am! Thanks again :)

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    2. i was just thinking of both of you as i read this with tears in my eyes, wondering if casey had shared with any of our close friends in kansas. i'm glad she has with you, so now you can be there for each other. we'll keep praying for you, steph, and look forward for your "moment." love and hugs from the omansons!

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    3. Thanks Steph, we appreciate it!

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  2. I'm glad you wrote about this, as you said it usually helps to get your thoughts out there. That fortune almost made me cry. How sweet.
    I was thinking the same thing you did... About how you prob thought it would go smoothly cause all you've known of pregnancy so far has gone smoothly, so it wasn't just sad it was a surprise. I guess it's when we feel comfortable that Heavenly Father feels we're ready to learn something. I hate it when He does that lol but it does always end up for the best. You've always been my biggest teacher about that :)
    Thank goodness for good husbands and the Priesthood and the Gospel!

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    1. That's a good point...the fact that it was a surprise might have made it harder because I had different expectations. And yeah, I agree, when we get comfortable that is when Heavenly Father teaches us something more and that is the good that comes of it... :)

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  3. So so sorry for your loss. I hope you get your moment soon. :) What a sweet tender mercy. You continue to inspire and amaze me.

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    1. Thanks so much Kristin. I'm glad to know that you are inspired. It makes it all worthwhile to put it out in a blog rather than in a private handwritten journal that no one, including myself, is likely to read again. So thanks, thanks for your sweet comments. I appreciate them!

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  4. Bless your heart, Stephanie. I'm so sorry. You are a wonderful woman. Now you will be able to comfort other women who go throught this same heartbreak in a way that you couldn't have before. We'll be praying for you:)

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    1. I agree, Mary. It's nice to be able to use your experiences to help others who have similar experiences. Thank you so much for your prayers!

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