Saturday, October 15, 2016

79 Weeks Pregnant

I once considered myself 79 weeks pregnant. 
A combined 1.5 years of pregnancy during a period of several years left me still waiting to take home a baby.

38 of those sacred weeks are dedicated to our beautiful 2nd born (into Heaven), Isaac; 41 of them belong to babies I never got to hold, see, name or birth. This explains the 5 years between my two living children.

Several days ago as I was preparing a church lesson on patience, I pulled Isaac's photo from the shelf as an object lesson on the topic. Landon, crawling up and down and all around me naturally became curious at the new object in my hands. It was incredibly touching how long he stared at it, smiled at it, patted at it, then stared some more at his brother in a frame.

In honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, I want to reach out to all those beautiful women out there who walk this extremely challenging path in any way, shape or form. The future is differing for each of us, but there is one thing I have learned for sure and hold on to--the future is bright!

The future is only a second away for some, a day away for others, and a lifetime away still for many. But the future is bright, and it is as bright as your faith in our Heavenly Father's perfect plan for you individually.
The key in this refiner's fire, as in almost any other challenge we may face, is patience-that word we hate to hear when we want something in one second, one day, or even in one lifetime. The time will come. Have faith in that timing and in your future, be it here, or there, where so many await their mommies, where my Isaac (and at least 4 others!) await me. But I will take him home and them home, and when I do, I will no longer be "79 weeks pregnant." For me, that future is a lifetime away, but I choose to be patient because I know it will be worth it when I do get to bring them home.
Time is but a blink of an eye- and that second, day or lifetime will all be one and the same as they are measured there. But in the here and now where a second is much less painful than a lifetime, have patience, and faith. 
The future is bright


Friday, August 5, 2016

Happy 3rd Birthday, Isaac!!! We love you!

Today, August 5, 2016, is a very sacred and special day for us.
I woke up unusually early and went downstairs to our backyard where I must have been attracted to a bright light. The air was unusually crisp for a summer morning and as I faced the light, I discovered the warm sun brightly rising directly above our “Isaac” memorial, some 2400 miles from his grave we recently left behind. I had no idea until this special day of Isaac’s, that the sun rose every morning in our backyard directly over his memorial statue.

Today is the first of many that we will spend honoring Isaac’s birthday far away from his sweet little body. However, besides that sacred August 5th in 2013 when we held him for the first and last time, he has never felt closer! Not just today, but every day. I have told many, but I will tell it again how incredible Isaac is at communicating with us from the spirit world and there is no doubt he is always near! He amazes me and comforts me!

Sydney was almost 3 when she held her first newborn brother after he passed away. Today, Isaac himself would be 3. How much I wish he was here to hold HIS baby brother Landon. Even more, how much I wish he was here for me to hold. Until the day I have Isaac in physical form again, I DO have him in spirit form and though difficult in its own right, it’s also a beautiful and sacred experience to mother in this way and to be a “split world” family (as I like to call it). 

Later today we will fill white helium balloons with special messages in them and send them off toward heaven. We want to honor Isaac in this way by hopefully touching the hearts of any who finds them and reads them. I know Isaac will help assist in guiding the balloons to the souls who need their inspiration! :) 

Thank you to all who hold Isaac close to your hearts this day. We hold friends, family and acquaintances dear to our hearts always and forever. Each one is special and so loved. That’s the message form Isaac to each of you. You are loved!!

Happy 3rd Birthday, Isaac! We love you always and forever! 

<3 Mom, Dad, Sydney and Landon <3

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Landon's Birth Story in Photos

Landon is 2 weeks old now, and I have family and friends waiting for these pictures. So here they are! The birth story itself is in the pictures (minus a few details :), but the (big) miracles leading up to the birth are written in the story below. 

It was miraculous, the way everything played out. Many wondered, but none more than us how Landon would enter this world---would Scott make it back in town for it? Would we deliver while we were out of town ourselves? There were so many unknowns because the timing of everything was completely out of our control. Two of the most important and exciting things for our future were happening at the same time---the birth of our son, and 3 months of away rotations and interviews at residency programs across the U.S. where Scott would train as a doctor. 

 We joked driving home from a week in San Antonio, (2 weeks before my due date): "Ahhhh, if only we could go into labor tomorrow morning when we are back in town and before you leave again!!! 
That would be perfect!" 

And it WAS.

 I cried, in unbelief, when my body was telling me I was in labor the following morning--> Not because the day had finally come to bring home this baby we have been waiting years for, but because it was miraculous that Scott and I were in the same state, even the same city when it happened.

The timing was impeccable, and it was an incredible miracle that Scott got to be at the labor and delivery of Landon. Not only did he get to be there, but he GOT TO DELIVER HIM!! It was only a dream of ours, to be together and in our home city- a dream that seemed impossible to work out on our own. We always knew it was all up to Heavenly Father, bc we had absolutely no control if the baby would come in the very hours we needed him to.

All odds were against us, with Landon's due date right in the middle of Scott's 3 months of being out of town for away/traveling rotations (rotations that will determine the rest of our future for his career), me traveling with him for one portion of it and with the feeling that baby was going to come early, but not knowing when. 

What were the chances we would get what we wanted, WHEN we wanted it? 
Pretty much 0 except if Heavenly Father had anything to do with it.
Good thing He did.

Scott didn't believe me, and I could barely believe my own contractions. As they persisted and became more real, I cried in unbelief that it was real, our dreams were literally coming true. 

We didnt know when Landon would come or how we could make it so we were with scott when he did. Scott was only to be home for one day in-between each month-long away rotation. 

I can't tell you how many times our plans changed in order to accomplish being with Scott when the baby came. Each time we decided on a plan, we were later thrown for a loop and had to readjust everything. The odds seemed to get worse and worse. Out-of-town insurance fell through, Sydney had limited time she could be away from school, Scott had one more city he had to travel to, and my doctor told me that baby would most likely be early (which I had felt almost my whole pregnancy that he would). We struggled making plans and each time we did, they would change again.  

Each change of plans led to another change of plans which led to GODS PERFECT PLAN. The final plan worked out in us being together as a family in our home city for Landon's labor and delivery. It could not have been more perfect. 

We got back into town at 11pm the night before I went into labor, and hours before Scott was to leave town again. We were together for the whole thing, and Scott got to stay in town all week before having to go away again. 

An INCREDIBLE blessing!!
It was seriously SO perfect. 

We named our baby boy LANDON ASHER WALTON. 

Asher after his big brother in heaven, Isaac Asher Walton.

The name Landon means "long hill," which is symbolic of the journey it's been getting him here, though that's not the reason we named him Landon. We liked the name and it felt right. The long standing first name choices of Asher and Hudson were not hard to let go of with the good feeling we had with the name "Landon."

He was born on Sunday, September 27, 2015 (the night of the Super Moon!) at 10:41am
8lbs 6oz
(A generous) 21in long

He's such a sweet, heavenly babe; so very calm, content and sweet. He's super patient and super nice and innocent and pure and we love him to pieces.  

When they first handed him to me, I held him so close and it felt SoooooooOOOOO good. I didn't want to let go of him. 

One of my very best friends Teri, who is also an excellent photographer, did our birth story photography for us. She did a beautiful job capturing precious moments from before, during and after Landon's sweet entrance into this world. 
Thank you to all who prayed so hard for this day to come for us, and for things to work out exactly how they did!

Welcome to the family, Landon Asher Walton :) 


Teri (the amazing photographer and friend!)


And a few more, taken unprofessionally 
these last 2 weeks :)