The Worst News

Please Note: I will continue typing a small paragraph at the very beginning of each post about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories with Isaac, while he's here with us. The "real" posts will begin Immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013-

-This morning I told Sydney that we had some errands to run and needed to get ready for the day. When I told her we could stop at the park for ten minutes on our way, she got so excited, ran over and wrapped her arms around my tummy/Isaac and said: “I love you too, Isaac!” and then she started tickeling “him” (my tummy) and laughing. I love this simple conversation she has with him, though I don’t get to hear Isaac's side of it like she does :).
-Yesterday I walked into the living room where Sydney was watching a little show where the curtains were blowing at night time and the little girl got scared. Sydney ran over to me and said “Cover baby brother!” and put her hand on my tummy as if to cover his eyes or protect him from this “scary” part of the show before running back over to the couch and covering herself with the blanket. :)

-I love when I can write a thank you letter and include Isaac’s name at the bottom when I sign it. He is part of our family now and forever, but now is the time he’s actually here in person to receive the few material possessions that will be his and thank people for it :). They make me soo happy.

Isaac's story: Post 3

Click here for Post 2

The Worst News

"It was two weeks later that we learned the information, which we'd received at that appointment on February 7, was not the worst news." (Ending from last post).

Here it is- "the worst news"
In a letter I sent out to my family on Tuesday, February 19th.

Dear Family,

You hear about those life-changing phone calls, or at least you see them on TV or in the movies-Whether it be the death of a loved one, a bad accident, or a call from the Doctor, with lab test results.

I've never received a phone call before that told me so much about our future, yet also so, so very little.

The call came around lunch time yesterday, Monday, February 18th, from the Doctor. The lab results had come in. I origionally had wanted to go in with Scott and hear the results but I was so confident and full of peace that when she asked if I wanted to hear them over the phone I said yes with no hesitation. As she told me the results, I was kind of shocked, but at the same time didn't seem phased. Then, when I told Scott, it all sunk in.

I woke up this morning with numb skin around my nose, and puffy eyelids. It hadn't worn off since last night.

The blood tests came back positive for Trisomy 18. The test, which is still considered a "screening," is 99% accurate.

You can google search it just as easily as I could copy and paste the information about it to you, but here is the main information regarding our son's life.

The doctor told me that if our baby boy would make it to birth (most don't), he will have a 50% chance of dying within the first week of life. Given the critical conditions of the body with Trisomy 18, most babies cannot thrive, with nearly every organ affected. The remaining 50%, who do not die in the first week, she told me, would die before their first birthday. Some cases, a very small percentage, have made it past a year, mostly being girls, and even into their 20s or 30s - depending on the level of Trisomy 18, but this is a very small percentage. Trisomy 18 is for the most part, considered fatal, given the terrific state of the body.

I don't know if I've ever had a time in my life where I've felt so suddenly lost and so sad. But thanks to priesthood blessings, I am doing better. I can imagine our family's future, but I have no idea which future is in store for us. Given this information there are still too many unknowns, and there is still always room for miracles.

I think the thing that hit me the most is that now this miracle we were/are hoping for has become a matter of life or death for this baby. I believe if the baby is meant to live a life on this earth, God could and would heal him according to our faith and according to his purposes. However, we all have a time in which we are appointed to die, and no amount of faith can change that part of Heavenly Father's plan.

And so for me, the question is: Does Heavenly Father want this child for greater work on the other side?? Or does he want our son to contribute to His work on this earth? This is what I can't answer and so the reason I felt so lost, and unsure what direction to take as far as what to be hoping for or having faith in.

I've learned sooooo much about faith up until this point, and after my eyes were opened even wider yesterday, I've learned even more. I feel much better today than I did yesterday when I felt so lost, scared and sad, although if our baby didn't already consume my every thought before, he certainly does now.

It has really helped me to be open minded about the 2 possible outcomes for this child- and I am accepting of either one- life or death.

I was praying all along that if Heavenly Father would heal our son, I would give him, as well as myself, to the Lord to build up His kingdom and help bring others unto Him. I feel that that is the ultimate "will" of God in any circumstance - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. And so that is how I went about this whole experience, praying for a miracle so that we could help build the kingdom.

Now I can see that maybe the miracle would be to at least get to meet our son, for a week, a month, or a day---and then as promised, I would given Him to the Lord to build His kingdom- only not here on Earth. I had never thought of that option before, but now it is real.

Scott and I want to name our baby boy as soon as we can so we can begin to gain a stronger, more personal relationship with him while he is still here, however long that may be.

I am still praying for a miracle, that he be healed, however I've learned that it's not having a lack of faith to still believe the alternative might occur. Of course, we desire for our son to be made whole, and to be able to raise Him. And that is what we will continue to pray for, but we will not lose any faith if that is not the outcome.

We need faith stronger than before. It is soo hard. It's soo hard to have this kind of faith in a situation like this, but that will make it all the more a miracle if that is what's to be. If nothing else, the miracle will be the amount of faith we gained through this experience and will continue to gain for the rest of our lives. We are dedicated to it. We are grateful for it, and we are grateful for this experience in our lives to build ourselves up unto the Lord and become stronger, more faithful sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. This really is the hardest thing I've ever been faced with in my own life, but I really am grateful for it, as hard as it is, because I know the reward of enduring it with great faith- will bring the greatest joy I've ever experienced.

I could go on forever with my thoughts and feelings, each and every day I could, but I'm sure I've already said too much.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support.

We love you all and are sooo grateful for your prayers and other means of support.

Thank you for fasting with us on the 10th, it was a very cool experience. We could really FEEL, the power from everyones fasting and prayers. I've never experienced that before. So thank you!

After typing this I feel like it was all very morbid and down, but really, we are strong and we will be ok! AND we haven't lost faith in a miracle! But even without what we would consider a miracle, we know that God knows best and we are ready and willing to take on whatever it is He has in store for us! We will just do it. It's as simple as that.

Love you all,

Steph

Scott and Syd

The Disheartening Effects of Pregnancy

Please Note: I will continue typing a small paragraph at the very beginning of each post about our recent, day-to-day interactions or stories with Isaac, while he's here with us. The "real" posts will begin Immediately after, starting with the title of the blog post. 

Monday, April 15, 2013- 

Isaac likes to kick me in the same place almost every time. It's right where the top of my pants push into my skin, getting tighter and tighter everyday! It's as if he's trying to tell me to back it off of him so he can stretch out in there. Is it rude of me not to loosen my pants just so he'll keep kicking me? :) Sydney started poking Isaac last week like a sibling would poke another. She thinks it's cute to poke him, although I'm the middle man that absorbs most of the poke! I let her do it because she won't get to when he's on the other side of my tummy. My favorite daily experiences with Isaac continue to be between him and Sydney. Yesterday we took "them" to the park after our Sunday Walk. :) Sydney can't help but include him in everything: "Is baby brother gonna come play? Come on, baby Isaac!" And so you see me at the top of the playground equipment :)

Isaac's story: Post 2

Click here for Post 1

The Disheartening Effects of Pregnancy

"We need to talk about a problem with your baby," the doctor said to us as I sat myself in the upright position. The words came at me slow and my heart was slow to drop. The tears came a little delayed as well- I wouldn't let them pour out until I knew what she meant by "problem." I hoped that she'd meant to say there was only a "concern." That word would have been much less frightening in comparison, but a "problem" potentially meant something more permanent, more severe. As she explained what they'd seen in the ultrasound, what we hadn't seen until she pointed it out to us, that is when I couldn't control my tears anymore, though I continued to try the entire time she explained so that I could hear and understand the words that were coming from her mouth.

Five minutes after we returned home (Scott went straight back to campus), I was to have a friend and her daughter over to chat with and play with Sydney. When I determined not to let myself cry on that short 5 minute drive home from the hospital so that my eyes wouldn't be all red and puffy, I determined not to call and cancel, though it was more than tempting. I wanted nothing more than to be in the privacy of my own home and let the tears burst out as soon as I got there. Yet, I didn't want to just go home and mope around and cry all day and I figured having them over would be a good distraction for me.

Almost as soon as they left, we headed back to the hospital for the blood test we'd scheduled that morning, the blood test that may or may not later confirm what she'd seen in the ultrasound. Luckily, Scott could again, meet me at the hospital, which is part of his campus, being a med. student.

I was more exhausted from holding in my tears than I thought I'd be, but as soon as I returned home, it was time for another guest to come to our home and help make decorations for a baby shower that would take place in my home only two days later. Again, I welcomed the distraction and put off the crying for even longer. I didn't want to stress myself out by canceling this much needed help.

Finally, when this friend left, I could let my emotions flow and have time to actually think things over for the first time all day. I could finally search for some sort of peace or comfort, that really didn't seem to come fully until much later that evening, and would only increase during the days following. Scott canceled a meeting he had with the bishopric to stay home with me that night, and the bishop came over after the meeting so that they could give me/"baby boy Walton" a blessing.

Finally, after having received the first bit of comfort through a priesthood blessing, the bigger picture began coming together, a piece of which we received exactly three months sooner, right after I found out I was pregnant. God knew long before any doctor knew exactly about our baby boy Isaac and His plan for him. God told us, prepared us, long before any doctor could. He warned us far in advance so that when it came time for us to find out the reality of our situation, He could comfort us when we needed it most, with the blessing I received when Bishop came over and Scott and him layed their hands on my head for a blessing of comfort and guidance.

Here is the entry from my journal (Click here, then scroll to where the blue font begins) where I shared a while ago about the blessing I received when I was only a few days pregnant and what I then thought "finding peace and comfort in the disheartening effects of pregnancy" to mean then, not knowing anything that was to come, or what it really stood for. Since then, I've received two separate priesthood blessings in which I was promised that I would continue to receive revelation from our Heavenly father, BUT that I wouldn't always understand immediately what He was trying to tell me. I clearly didn't understand immediately what that original blessing meant, as I attributed the disheartening effects of pregnancy to my morning sickness, which I hadn't experienced with Syd, but that was comforting to me because it meant I was still pregnant. Also, the fact that I wouldn't always understand immediately what He (Heavenly Father) is trying to tell me is key to future experiences which I will share at a later time. VERY COOL.


God has a plan. He has a plan for each of us.

We still don't know how that plan will continue to play out exactly for our baby Isaac, but we do know that God has a plan for him, even if the part of that plan that takes place during his earth life is very short. We know because He told us, long before any doctor could. We have found great comfort in knowing (because we have sought that knowledge), that God's hand is so much a part of our lives- what we are going through, and more importantly, a part of our baby Isaac's life.

Because of Him, and true to His words through the power of priesthood blessings, we truly have been able to find "peace and comfort in the disheartening effects of pregnancy." 

Even so, it was two weeks later that we learned that the information, which we'd received at that appointment on February 7, was not the worst news. 

----------------------------------------------------------

End

*Details of the ultrasound and findings

are in this letter which Scott emailed to our family and a few others late in the evening on February 7, the day of our appointment. The letter below was the first letter in which we shared anything about this experience with anyone. 

-From my journal-

Friday, February 8, 2013

*Yesterday I was at the doctor half the day, in two different appointments. The first was an ultrasound and the second was a blood draw. Scott wrote this email about what we found out..he sent it to our family.

Hey all,

I just wanted to send y'all a quick update. Steph and I had an ultrasound appointment this morning for a routine screening that they do. Since she miscarried a few months prior, she has been in the "high risk" category. That just means many more ultrasounds and appointments in the high risk office. So far things have been going well, despite some morning sickness that seems to be subsiding. She is 12 weeks and 2 days so it is still early to tell much, but the tech said she is almost positive it will be a BOY!! We are very excited about that.

The ultrasound tech went to show the doctor the images and said they would be back in shortly to talk to us about them. Anyways, the doctor came in and you could sense the uneasiness in her voice. She said that we needed to talk about a problem with our baby. He has some things that haven't quite developed perfectly up to this point and that is why we are writing. He has a protrusion of his abdominal contents into the umbilical cord region. This can be one of two things: A gastroschisis (less concerning, but requiring a surgical fix after birth) or an omphalocele (more concerning, sometimes accompanied by chromosomal abnormalities or other defects including heart, GI, urinary system etc.). The doctor believes it is the latter, more serious one, but it was to early to say definitively. During normal development, the intestines normally leave the abdomen and enter the yolk sac area while the body grows, then they migrate back in. This hasn't happened as it should. Barring a miracle, he will be born with his intestines/abdominal contents outside of his body that will require surgery. If this is the only problem, almost all the children survive and undergo surgery to fix the problem. About half the time, there are other birth defects that accompany the omphalocele. The cause can also be chromosomal. About 30% of these cases are caused by a chromosomal defect, often being a trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is not very compatible with life but usually goes to term. It also may be caused by trisomy 13 (even worse than 18) or trisomy 21 (down syndrome, but this is less common for this abnormality). There are a million things to talk about and mention but it doesn't do much good until we get results from some of the tests they did today, looking at the baby's DNA.

I am writing to ask for your prayers, fasting, and faith.

Moroni 7:27-30; 33

27 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have amiracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to bclaim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?

28 For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him willacleave unto every good thing; wherefore he badvocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.

29 And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have aangels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

30 For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of agodliness.

33 And Christ hath said: aIf ye will have bfaith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is cexpedient in me.

Christ has the ability to work miracles. I have witnessed them first hand and have absolute faith that He can do anything that is expedient to Him and the will of our Father in Heaven. We are grateful for this opportunity to exercise unwavering faith in Him and know without a doubt that he will bless us for our faith and righteous desires. I know that we can see miracles and that we will witness a miracle in our family. We don't know what that miracle is but we are asking, with faith, that He heal our baby boy. We are just asking that you join with us. Like it says in Moroni, miracles have not ceased, and they happen according to God's will. We just have to be the type of people mentioned above. "Men of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness."

Please join us in praying and exercising that faith. There is no room for doubt or fear; we don't have time for these things. We love you and are grateful for all of you. We are going to be fasting this Saturday-Sunday and would appreciate you joining us if you can. Thanks again, we love you!

Scott, Stephanie, Sydney, Baby Boy Walton

The Trial and Gift of Time

Please note- 

This is the first post where I begin to share this private and personal experience publicly. 

This is also the first of many more posts where I will share the incredible journey our little family began 5 months ago and all the blessings that have and will continue to come from it- forever. 

Today: 

Friday, April 5th, 2013- He is 20 weeks and 3 days old. I am so happy to be his mother today, to have taken him grocery shopping with Syd and I, to ride on my bike, and to go together as a family to his 2nd kid birthday party later tonight at the beach. He lives not in my arms, but still in my tummy, yet he truly is in the best place he will be in this earth life and is daily giving Sydney the chance to be his big sister, me his mommy, and Scott his daddy. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, we have a son, a brother, and his name is Isaac.

Isaac's story: Post 1

The Trial and Gift of Time

Dedicated to our son

ISAAC ASHER WALTON

Written on, Tuesday, March 26, 2013, at 19 Weeks Gestation
-From my journal

When we first found out the prognosis of our son, Isaac, one of the things that worried me is that I still had a half a year of my pregnancy remaining. He could die anytime in that 6 months, or could live days or months after birth, and nothing more; But he would die- very, very young. Part of me wanted it all to be taken from me- the pregnancy, the delivery, even our son- before it got any harder, so that I didn’t have to endure the unknown future, and especially the inevitable. His dying sooner than later seemed more relieving than to await for all uncertainty, become attached and ultimately have him taken from us anyway. Like with my one and only miscarriage at 6 weeks, in June of 2012- the pain and sorrow from that miscarriage literally only lasted some short days. Part of me wished it could pass as “easy” as the miscarriage had, though any parent wanting for a child knows the words ‘miscarriage’ and ‘easy’ do not belong in the same sentence. But by the time we found out about our son, I was already twice as far along as I had been with the miscarriage. A hopeful sign it had been to us.

Being a high-risk pregnancy simply because of my former miscarriage, I’d already had the opportunity to see our baby boy Isaac on ultrasound a handful of times, a number that would only explode in the weeks to come. Because of the number of weeks pregnant and the number of times I’d gotten to “meet him” in ultrasound, I was that much more invested in this new baby, even more invested than I had been in Sydney by this point in my pregnancy with her. There was something there that made me want to hold on to this baby, as much as I wanted to let go before it got any “worse.” But the choice wasn’t up to me, whether I wanted to hold on or not. It was never a consideration for Scott and I to terminate this life, but rather let God and His laws of nature take control. Afterall, he is our son, and even greater than that, a literal child of God, as all of us are.

The more the time has passed, the more I’ve grown in character and in spirit, in faith and in love, in patience and in humility, and now my feelings are opposite of what I admittedly once had. Even then, when I wished the pregnancy would be taken from me, a pregnancy that Scott and I tried for 7 months to gain, I knew then that the want for some kind of relief, the want to make things easier, was not characteristic of a person full of patience, humility and selflessness. I did not want to be selfish in anyway. On top of that, I tried to put it into perspective as far as the life growing inside of me and what his full potential was, not on this earth life, but in the eternities. I needed to understand the importance of this soul growing within me, as well as the importance of being like our Savior before I could comfortably be willing to sacrifice anything, my body, my comfort, my emotions, my time, for this being that I was only beginning to get to know and to love- a sacrifice worth way more than I’d give up. In the end, I give up nothing, but only gain from it. To some extent, it has been a sacrifice, as any pregnancy is, but it’s been so much more. It’s been a great opportunity, experience and blessing, that will last us the rest of our lives.

Today, looking back on the last 7 weeks, which seem more like months since we’ve known, I can say that this devastating and heartbreaking experience has been well worth it, and will continue to be more than worth it. Not just for the things we are learning and the people we are becoming, but for the relationship we are gaining with our son, this amazing spirit who is too pure to stay on this earth. It really has been a sacrifice worth way more than we “are giving up.” We are coming out ahead of where we were before we even got pregnant.

I was once so scared of the long 6 months I may or may not have ahead of me in this disheartening pregnancy. But since then, we've learned that Isaac is expected to at least make it to term. Now, I am ever grateful for this “waiting” period, a period where we can see Isaac daily by ultrasound set up in our home, and I can feel him kicking and living inside of me. Right now, he is alive. He is living. And he is our son. I am honored to be the one to carry him, and personally escort him in his short journey of life here on earth. I am his mother, now.

As soon as I came to recognize that our son’s health problems and ultimate death were not the real trial, but that the real trial here was time, the time in which we have to endure each passing difficulty, I have been able to view each of these as but a wink of an eye in the grand scheme of things and have an eternal perspective. 

On the contrary, I've also begun to see this time as a gift, a blessing in which we treasure every moment that Isaac is here with us. 

Time is

Too slow for those who wait

Too swift for those who fear

Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But for those who love
Time is eternity
-Henry Van Dyke

"Time IS eternity" means something very different than "time is eternal." Just think about it. Our time on this earth will end, but our love never will. We get to love Isaac for an eternity, an eternity which includes a future spent as a family with our son Isaac, in his perfect resurrected body, along with our other children and family, together with God in pure happiness and continual growth, after this life.

The only thing more important than the time we are given here on earth, is what we do with it.

Time is what our world rotates on and functions by. It provides us with order. If you think about it, time really is everything to us here on earth. It takes time to grow, to get to know someone, to get over break ups. It takes time to heal from injuries, to grieve our loved ones. It takes time to recover from a sickness. It takes time to suffer, and time to heal. It takes time to learn, to become wise. It takes time to work so that we can have the means to live.

It takes time to accomplish things, both good and bad. It takes time to accomplish anything, and it takes time to heal. In difficult times, we want the time to pass faster. In good times, we want time to slow down.

We all have a certain amount of time to live, some shorter than others. You might call it a blessing to get your time cut short, to get to return to our Father in Heaven sooner in life, and you could also call it a blessing to be able to stay on earth a little longer. We all have our different needs, and some of us need more time to accomplish the work that He would have us accomplish in our lives and in the live of those we come in contact with.

Thinking of time in this manner, and in relations to this experience we are currently growing from, I thought first about my worries and they were all, every one of them, related to time. 1. Is our son suffering, or will he suffer? For how long will he have to suffer?

2. I have [had] 6 months left of pregnancy. That is a long time. After that, how long will our son live for? How long will we have to wait to get pregnant again and how long will it take this time? What if there’s another miscarriage? Sydney will be 4 or 5 years older than our next child after Isaac, and we wanted our children to all be somewhat close in age.

3. Once Isaac is taken from us, we know we will see him again and that he is ours forever, but it seems like such a long time, a lifetime even, before we will be reunited with him again.

You see? If time were not a factor in any of the difficulties we go through, there would be no trials, for the suffering and the growth, are imbedded in time. Otherwise, all suffering, discomfort, sorrow, worry or struggle would be but a wink of an eye and we could not learn or grow from such insignificance. We are here to grow and become like our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ, and through Isaac, and this blessed experience, I am learning more about the mysteries of godliness than I ever have in my whole life combined. What I have known up to this point is all coming together to form a more complete whole, a more perfect vision that becomes clearer and clearer with the passing of this current time in our lives, and will continue to clarify as our future endures.

God knows no time. To Him, the past present and future are one eternal truth. When we die, we will see “time” or the lack thereof as He does. But time is necessary for us here on earth. God created it that way, in His all-knowing wisdom. We endure through time and prove ourselves in time.

Once I realized the significance of time in relation to our difficulties in this circumstance, and how much it was bearing down on me and the plans I had for my family, I could easily hand that specific and all-encompassing concern to the Lord and say- my time is in your hands. I know that if I’m living righteously, I’m living to fulfil His purposes and become more like my Savior, then however my time passes in this life, it will be for the best because He knows what’s best and He wants what's best for us. 

Courtesy of Google Images

I’m not worried anymore about Sydney being so much older than her next sibling. I’m not worried anymore about the next several months of pregnancy or even the outcome of the pregnancy or Isaac’s life. I’m not worried about how long it will be before we can get pregnant again. I have faith in all of these things, however they work out. If I look at the past, present and future as one eternal truth as God does, what I see is my family- Me, Scott, Sydney, Isaac, our future children and grandchildren, the family that came before us and those who will come after us- together. That vision will be reality, in the blink of an eye. In some sense, it already is reality. I don’t doubt that Isaac will act as a guardian angel for our family as we dwell here on earth, and I don’t doubt that our ancestors and our future children are already acting as our guardian angels here on earth. But there will come a time when we will literally be with them again, all together, all made possible by our Savior Jesus Christ, through His atonement and the great Plan of Salvation.

As for the time being, I still cry at times, it is only natural; But more than the tears that drip down my cheeks is the amount of gratitude that I have for being given this marvelous opportunity to carry this miracle with me during his short life here on earth,  for the trust Heavenly Father has given us to be his parents and love him and do what is best for him, and to trust us enough, and BLESS us enough to grow our faith and understanding of the Gospel and become more like Him, which is ultimately what will lead to our eternal salvation, when and where we will “soon” live with and grow with our son, even Isaac Asher Walton, together with the rest of our family. What a gift. It is only a matter of time, and what we do with it.